


I Got "Lost" in the Zoo

by pirerrot



Series: Scheduled Visits and Volunteer Shifts. [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, Explicit Language, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Homophobic Language, M/M, Mild Language, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, Zoo, Zoo Keeper AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2018-02-09 15:18:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1987770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pirerrot/pseuds/pirerrot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story of how I got "lost" in a zoo and instead found some freckled animal loving loser that I kinda fell for.<br/>Yeah, you're in for a long ride.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Freckled Distraction

**Author's Note:**

> This is Jean's POV of a two POV story with Jean's and Marco's.  
> Please enjoy.

"Jeaaaaaaaan!"

Her call rang throughout my bedroom and I could only hiss in response, showing no effort of actually getting off of my comfortable bed that felt like a damn cloud.  
I heard her quick footsteps and my door swing open with an impatient force, coxing me into feigning unconsciousness.  _I_ _t's too early to be awake, woman_ , I thought with irritation, but my mother wouldn't have that.

Instead, she grabbed my warm comforter and yanked it off my body, shoving me into the cold air of the morning. I raised my head off my soft pillow and squinted my eyes at the woman, anger laced in my sleepy eyes.

"Mom,"  
I tried out my voice and heard how heavy it was from not being used that night,  
"It's too early to be awake."

Of course, my mother didn't give two shits, and just went on to ramble about her busy schedule and how she worked hard to fit this into it, and how I should be grateful or something to spend time with my own damn mother. Obviously, I didn't care. She left my room with a command of me getting off my lazy ass and I decided to finally move, yanking my lanky body into a sitting position and pulling myself off my bed.

I stood, feeling my muscles fight against me and sighed with my heavy morning breath.  
Fuck.  
Early.  
Mornings.

I dragged my feet towards my dresser and yanked out my usual attire; boxers, a pair of tight skinny jeans, a black t-shirt, and my signature red beanie. It's too early to mess with my shitty undercut. I carried my attire in my arms as exited my still open bedroom door and made my way to my bathroom, dropping the clothes on the shelf of towels and turned to shut the door.

I stripped off my night attire, which was just a pair of baggy boxers, and stood before my mirror. My gaze traveled along my almost gangly physique and I let my hands run along the plains of my flat stomach, wondering what it'd look like if I'd actually work out. I choked out a laugh at that, the thought of making an effort to get muscles hilarious.

  
I do look rather frail though, like someone could snap me over their knee or something. The thought send a chill down my spine and I ducked away from the mirror to avoid my tawny eyes that stared back at me with judgement and I turned on the shower. I cleansed my pale skin and washed my two-tone hair and rinsed off, taking the maximum of maybe five minutes for the entire process.  
Yeah, I shower fast, so?

I dried off with a fluffy white towel and grabbed my clothes, tugging on the outfit and placing the beanie carefully atop my slightly wet hair.  _T_ _here_ , _Jean, you look fine,_ I thought, and sightly smirked at my reflection before I brushed my teeth and walked out to get some food.  
Mmm, cereal..

I poured some Honeycombs into a bowl and drowned it in milk and sat on the counter, eating away as I listened to my mom run around the house on the phone, probably gossiping about someone again. I tossed the bowl into the sink and yanked myself off the counter, standing in the center of our unreasonably huge ass kitchen, staring at the pristine white cabinets and steel appliances and the smooth designer granite top my mom _loved_.

Did I mention my family was rich as fuck?

My father is an important business man that works for a company I don't give two fucks about and my mother is some plastic surgery loving, gossip obsessed, bored housewife that has to schedule time to be around her son. Our house is far too big for the three of us and when it's usually just me here, it's kinda..lonely? I'm not pathetic, stop thinking that.

I have everything I could ever want, okay? I mean, half the shit I didn't want, it was just gifts from my father so I would love him or forgive him for not being home ever, or something, but still. I own basically every desirable game out there.

I shook my head to shove away my thoughts and walked out the kitchen to the main living room, plopping down onto the comfortable couch and kicking my legs up to rest on the Swarovski crystal coffee table. I cleared my throat and got my mom's attention, whom was still gossiping about Sarah's new tit job, which didn't matter to me but meant the entire fucking world to my mom. I sighed as she said goodbye to the person on the phone and stood up, sauntering over to the woman with an ever-living frown on my face.

"Let's go, Jeanbo!"  
She flashed me the ridiculously fake smile she owned and led me out the house, shutting the glass door behind us.

As we walked to the car, which was a pink 2014 Bugatti, my mom spoke on and on about how much "fun" we'll have on this scheduled-to-the-minute family bounding.  
I climbed into the passenger seat and buckled myself in whilst my mom turned on the car and flicked on the radio to some shit-pop station, blaring Kathy Perri's newest single about her old ex, or whatever. I didn't focus on the lyrics.

We drove for a few minutes and I drowned out my mom's babbling with staring out the window like I was in some stupid teen movie, wondering about the people we passed by as some sort of game.  _H_ _e's a druggie_ , I thought about a man standing around, _she's a prostitute_ , I also thought about a woman in a skimpy outfit that stood on a corner, and so on. 

Trost was wonderful little town.

Finally the car stopped and I instantly unbuckled myself and exited the car, not giving my mom a chance to talk.

"Jean, you're really wearing a beanie? Isn't it too hot?"  
She questioned as we stood in line to get our tickets to Trost's tiny zoo and I stared at my mom, wondering why she pretended to care.

"My hair was a mess."  
Was my dull reply as we got our tickets and walked into the wonderful shit-show that was a zoo.

I saw a guy with some animal in his hands walking by at this point and caught a glimpse of how freckled he was, finding it..weird? Nah, just,  
Holy shit, that's a lot of frecks'. He quickly left from my sight and I didn't pay any mind to him after that.

I turned my attention my mom and followed her down the various flights of steps into the main part of the zoo, already planning on how to get away. I really, really don't like zoos or animals, so any if opportunity of _not_ looking at animals in a zoo came up, you're sure as hell I'll take it.

My mom got a phone call from one of her gossiping friends and she was sucked back into that conversation about that one woman's tit job, which was the perfect moment for me to slip away. As I escaped her presence I saw a playground, empty but attracting children in herds, and that one guy from earlier. I decided to use him as my distraction.

I walked as quickly as I can without jogging and running, honing in on him like some damn missile as children swarmed him to touch that furry ball of teeth in his hands. By the time I got there most children had wandered away, leaving us mostly alone. His cheeks were really red and his eyes were wide and I wondered how why he looked so shocked.

"Distract me before I go insane."  
I requested, looking at him with my eyes in slits and my lips holding my usual frown.

He seemed to snap to reality and flashed me with ridiculously bright smile, almost blinding me, before he rambled on about the opossum in his hands named "Cookies". Animals and their stupid names.. I didn't notice it myself, but he pointed out halfway through our conversation that I looked happier with my small smirks that slipped out.

I was in the middle of a sentence when my phone suddenly yelled for my attention, making my expression turn into disgust as the realization that my mom figured out I was gone.

"Hold on.."  
I mumbled as I fished my phone out my pocket and saw the reply, confirming my suspicion.

I cursed out under my breath and looked up at the freckled guy, frowning.  
"My mom noticed I was gone."

"Oh." He said, and my chest felt a pang of some weird pain. I gnored it, finding it unimportant.

"Can I have your number?"  
I didn't realize I had asked until I heard the words being spoken and I wondered _why_. Why was I asking for his number? I don't even know him. I t ried to wipe my shocked expression off my face as he eagerly replied,

"Yes, yes."

I let him take my phone out of my hands to enter his number and I took his to enter mine. I took a quick selfie of my stubborn expression and used it as my photo so he'd know who it was.

"What's your full name?"  
I finally asked since I had taken previous notice that his first name was Marco because of his name tag that said, "Trost Zoo Volunteer: Marco".

"Marco. Marco Bodt."

He answered and I let a smile slip out at how it sounded to fit him perfectly, but I wasn't going to mention that because..well, that's kinda _gay_.

"And yours..?" He went on to ask, seeming extremely curious to know.

"Jean. Jean Kirschtein. See you later, Freckles."  
I answered and turned away from him, walking out the playground as I took a phonecall from my mom to explain that I had gotten "lost".

I spent the rest of that scheduled bonding time with my mom desperately wondering when Marco would text me. I was checking my phone so damn much that my mother pointed it out, and after I stared at **(0) Text Messages** for the 100th time, I put my phone away.

Did I actually just make a friend..? Tch, don't be a loser, Jean.


	2. Voiceless Crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean doesn't realize it yet, but the pain will linger.

_"Jean, c'mon, lets go. We don't want to be late." Marco's voice was playful and bright, his words chiming sweetly in the crisp morning air. There was no way in hell I'd make him late to anything if he'd speak to me like that always._

_I climbed into his vehicle and buckled myself in, grinning from ear to ear as Marco did the same in the driver's seat. I wondered where we were going but it didn't seem important, which was weird. I didn't dwell on that for too long._

_Marco flicked on the radio and static came through, coxing grumbles from the freckled male. I cocked a brow and stared at him, curious as to why his car's radio was suddenly really shitty. It would be offensive to comment on it, right? Right._

_Marco shook his head and turned his attention from the radio to the rode, backing out his driveway (I had just noticed we were at his house..or what I'm guessing is his house? I don't know) and onto the street. We rode in silence, no words exchanged from the both of us because it didn't feel like it was needed. With Marco, silence was welcomed. It was comfortable._

_We rode onto a free-way and kept going, our destination unclear, but I knew that we can't be late. We just can't be late. To what? Like I said before, I don't know. We just.. We gotta get there._

_I turned to glance at Marco and found him with a sour expression, his lips holding a heavy frown and his eyes formed into mere slits. It didn't seem fitting on his features and it sure as hell worried me._

_I parted my oddly dry lips and tried to speak but no sound left me. I was silent, muted, and my eyes shot wide. I reached out to grab his arm but he yanked away from me, muttering about how he needed to focus on the road and how I could wait. I kept trying to speak._

_After exhausting myself from all my pathetic attempts, I gave up searching for my voice and slumped down into the car seat. It was then that I heard incoherent mumbling, coming from obviously Marco, and I saw how wide his precious little eyes were._   _Why_ _was he scared?_

_There was a loud, thought piercing scream that filled the car which was followed by the sounds of metal hitting metal; cars hitting cars. I tried to yell but I felt like my lungs were now collapsed in and blood was filling my mouth, the strong metallic taste flooding my senses and making me dizzy. The stupid fucking airbag broke my nose so my blood was dripping down my chin._

_What the fuck just happened? What the fuck? What the fuck?! I forced my eyes open through my agonizing pain and looked over to Marco, my Marco, and saw how badly injured he was. Oh, god.. If my mouth wasn't filled with blood, I'd probably vomit._

_It was everywhere. He was, I mean. Even on me. Pieces. Chunks. Fucking chunks of Marco. Fuck, Marco. I could see his ivory ribs. I could see the blood spurting out his body and his muscles beneath his skin. I saw more of Marco than I'd ever wanted to see. His face.._

_His beautiful, gorgeous, fucking amazing freckled face was smashed in and stabbed with hundreds of tiny shards of glass. His light brown eyes were wide and dull, lifelessness filling those optics I'd come to adore. He's fucking dead. He's dead. Marco is dead._

_I tried to scream. God, I tried so hard. Why was I alive? What happened? Who crashed into the door? Who the fuck would do this? Who would take Marco away from me? Why?_

_I was sobbing and throwing up my own damn blood by the time those sirens came by._

_He's gone._

_He's gone_.

I woke up to my phone screeching for my attention and I froze in place for a few moments, panting and gasping for air with tears streaming down my face. I remembered it so clearly, his body.. I shook my head rapidly, telling myself that it was just some stupid nightmare that meant nothing and that I should get over it.

That didn't stop me from wanting to hear from him, though..

After a few more moments I decided to check my phone to see who was calling, figuring it was Connie or Sasha. What I wasn't expecting was the guy I had a nightmare about to be on the screen.

His photo was of him smiling that bright smile of his and I breathed in sharply, unsure why it made me feel so strange.

I pressed my thumb against the answer button and brought the phone to my ear, mumbling incoherently into the device.

I didn't think my voice was still there, okay? The second I realized it was, I decided to fake a yawn. I didn't want him to worry about me. I didn't want him to think I dreamt of him dying in a car crash. I didn't want him to think I saw his ribs and blood and had chunks of him on me.

 _Don't freak the guy out, Jean_ , I thought.

"Jean! Hey, it's Marco from the zoo! What's u--"  
He stopped and I wondered if he could read my mind.

"Did I seriously just wake you up?" He questioned and I squeezed my eyes shut, figuring that the answer was technically yes.

"Yeah.." I muttered, the first word feeling strange and painful in my mouth. That pain was quickly replaced when Marco started to laugh, though. It isn't gay if you think your friend has a cute laugh, right? Because that laugh made my fucking heart melt.

"It's the afternoon, you know." I could hear his grin on the other line and I let my lips twitch into a small smile, too. It was contagious.

"It isn't the morning until three." It was then that I moved into a sitting position, figuring that laying down and talking on the phone wasn't an exactly good idea. I didn't want to fall back asleep. I really didn't want to have another nightmare.

"Mm.. Well, uh, I'm off from work today. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?" He sounded slightly flustered by his own offer but the thought of seeing him, making sure he was alive and okay, seemed pretty damn great.

"..Sure, we can. Meet me at Maria's Coffee Shop at 1?" I rubbed the back of my neck with my free palm and straightened my spine, waking up my body and letting my voice come out not as rough as it did before. Talking felt strange after a dream where you're mute, you know?

"S-Sure. See you at 1." He said, the slight stutter not going unnoticed by me.

"See you, Frecks'." I hummed and pressed the end call button before he could reply.

Time to get your shit together, Jean.

I crawled off my bed and staggered to my closet to grab a white t-shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans, carrying the attire in a bundle in my arms. On my way to the bathroom I grabbed my trusty red beanie, not wanting to deal with my hair today.

I didn't have to look in the mirror to know how damn pale and shaken-up I looked. I hoped Marco wouldn't notice.

I showered, dressed, and walked out the door to the coffee shop that wasn't too far from home.

I hoped he'd be in once piece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This shit hurts to write but it gives me a chance to start writing more gore.
> 
> I'm so sorry.


	3. Needing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean needs him more than he knows now.

When I walked into the meeting spot for Marco and I, I saw how god damn pretentious and hipstery the entire place was. It was complete with the barely surviving writers on their apple laptops, sipping at their coffee as they tried to write the plot to their shit stories, and the plastic glasses wearing " _unique_ " kids.

I cringed on the way to an empty table by the large window, pitying every damn poor soul in the shop before I took out my phone and flicked my thumb across the screen to find some mindless game to distract me.

Marco didn't seem like the type to be late, I thought as I set my phone down to cool my anger at one of the levels of damn Angry Birds, and I started to get worried. If something came up, he'd tell me, right?

_I needed to see him._

I-I mean, I didn't need to, but..after that dream, I kinda wanted to make sure of some things.

Shut up. I'm not pathetic. Stop thinking that.

I grumbled and picked my phone up again, my gaze flicking up to the top corner to see the time, one fifteen, and I sighed. Hurry up, Freckles, hurry up.

_Be alive._

He messaged me a lot, telling me about the traffic holding him back and how he was sorry, but I still worried.

 _Cars_.

I continued to play that same damn level of Angry Birds until I heard the shop's door swing open with ridiculous force. My first thought was, someone really needs their fucking coffee, and then it was, why the fuck would someone get serious coffee here? It tastes like sugary shit.

I wasn't focused on my surroundings after those thoughts left my mind and I continued to tap away at the screen, trying my hardest to get the damn red bird to hit the blocks right.

I heard his breathing before anything and I knew it was him, I knew because his familiar smell filled my head. The kid smells a lot like warm cinnamon, okay? It's strong, so it isn't weird to know that.

I lifted my gaze from the stupid app and I saw his expression, wide eyes and parted lips; he looked like he was about to scream. I hope he didn't notice the way I eyed his entire body, searching for scars from the crash and only finding those _cute_ freckles.

Cute. It isn't wrong to think of Marco Bodt as cute because he's fucking adorable and anyone would admit that.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, there was traffic, I'm late, I'm sorry--" He looked so upset that I had to stop him from talking.

"Don't worry, Frecks'. It's fine, anyway, it isn't your fault. Lets get coffee?" I muttered, barely realizing the way my voice seemed to strain. I tried not to remember why it was that way.

I stood up from the metal seat with a screech of the legs rubbing against the tiles of the stupid shop and I walked ahead, gesturing for Marco to follow behind as I approached the counter.

My eyes scanned the menu for the options, seeing ridiculous titles. My eyes squinted and I wanted to choke out a laugh because of how god damn lame the entire thing was, but I couldn't find it in me. I settled on a simple, overly sweet vanilla bean, knowing it would flush away my worries.

I turned to the freckled guy next to me, "Whatcha getting, Marco?" Shit, my voice is quiet still. Weak. I knit my brows and frowned with frustration.

"Uh. A chocolate chip mocha. You?" He's such a dork.

"I guess just a vanilla bean.." I mumbled before turning to the counter, ordering up Marco's and I's drinks whilst I heard how flustered the guy was.

"Jean! You don't have to pay!" He wailed next to me as I slid my card to the green hat wearing girl behind the counter. I tried not to look as shitty as I felt.

"Marco," I breathed, hoping he wouldn't notice how badly I felt the need to say his name, "No offense, but I kinda have more money than I could ever need on that card. Let me buy the shit, okay?" I turned to him and tried to smile reassuringly.

He tried to thank me but I told him to shut the fuck up.

I led him to the side so we could wait for our horrible drinks and I caught his stare. Why was he looking at me like that? Like I was a _wounded animal?_

"Jean.." He whispered, and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand.

"Yeah?" I stared at him, trying my damnest not to seem as scared as I felt.

"I.." Shit, shit, fuck, what's he going to say? Fuck, fuck-- "are you okay?" I pressed my lips in a thin line and didn't respond.

I should, he cares enough to know, but..

Our drinks were called and they fucking fucked up my name. "Gene". Seriously? How hard is it to say my name right? Fuck this pretentious shitty place. I hissed with annoyance and let Marco carry our drinks.

When we sat down, I sat there with a scowl on my face. Should I tell him? Fuck, tell him, Jean.

"I'm fine.. Just had some nightmare." I lifted my drink to my lips and let the nauseatingly sweet liquids sit on my tongue for a few moments before I swallowed it, feeling my Adam's apple bob.

I glanced up at Marco and owlishly blinked, seeing as his entire expression get engulfed with fret and fear. I tensed, wondering why he cared so much about me.

"Marco.." I said, trying to cox him out his zone. I felt how heavy my eyes were with exhaustion then. I probably looked like death.

"..What was it about?" He seemed scared to ask, whispering it to me. I flickered my gaze away from him, not wanting him to see the pain of remembering flashing in my eyes.

"Something silly.. I don't really want to talk about it right now." I tried not to let my voice crack. I chugged the painfully sweet drink I ordered to seem causal, playing it off as nothing, when in reality it was everything.

"Tell me when you're ready. Whenever." He begged, I think.

Too fucking kind.

"..Thanks, Frecks'." His nickname on my tongue made my lips tug into a small smirk. He never objected it.

After a few minutes of an awkward silence and tentative glances, we slipped into a light conversation. He started it with a dumb joke, I remember, and I let myself get lost in his presence. I even let myself cackle a few times.

It felt like the entire world around us stopped, the stupid writer's digits no longer hastily tapping away at their apple computers and the barista's no longer calling out names and butchering them in the process.

It was just Marco and I.

I would never complain about that.

I glanced down at my phone and saw how late it was, four forty five, and realized I had to go. Mom was expecting me home soon.

"Text me later?" I didn't fucking beg, okay?

"O-Of course! You can call me whenever, too, Jean!" He seemed excited. I tried not to feel the heat in my cheeks.

I smiled for a second and stood with him, tossing ours cups, and left the dumb coffee shop with him trailing behind.

"Jean.." He seemed serious again, I noted.

"Yeah?" I whispered, careful with how I spoke.

"Seriously, call me whenever you need to, okay? I'm here for you." I felt my heart swell.

"Marco, I, thanks. Thank you." I didn't know how much I needed it until I had it.

"Don't thank me. It's the least I can do as your friend."

_Freckled Jesus._

"You're too fucking nice for your own good, Freckled Jesus." New nickname. I grinned widely at Marco and waited for his response.

He laughed and laughed until he fucking _giggled._

Marco. Bodt. Giggled.

Why did my chest feel tight?

"Whatever, Horseface!" Marco squeaked through his laughs and my face flushed.

"I do not have a Horseface!" I didn't whine. I punched him in his shoulder like the man I was, albeit playfully.

"Pff. Sure. See you, Jean." He smiled his brightest smile at me and I gulped.

"Later, Marco."

I then turned and left to my mom's car that I borrowed, the pink Bugatti. It didn't phase me anymore.

I texted Marco thirty minutes later to make sure he got home safe before I sat down for an awkward dinner with my mother, listening to her newest gossip about some unimportant women.

I swear I didn't text him under the table and up until 4 am.

**To Marco:**

Tired man

_I yawned after I sent the text and groaned, my eyes burning._

**From Marco:**

Will you be able to sleep tonight?

_He's fucking worried about me._

**To Marco:**

Hope so ...

**From Marco:**

You can call me if you need me, okay, Jean? Any time. 

_Too fucking kind._

**To Marco:**

u sure ??

**From Marco:**

Completely.

**To Marco:**

Goodnight, F.J

_I was not smirking widely when I pressed send._

**From Marco:**

F.J..?

_Dork._

**To Marco:**

Freckled Jesus, get it ??

**From Marco:**

Pff. Goodnight, Horseface.

 

I was too tired to argue.

I knocked out with my phone beside me and slept through the night peacefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am such a loser don't look at me oh god


	4. Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean is tormented in his dreams but he gets away with that body next to his.

_The screams of my cell phone awoke me from my slumber and I groaned loudly. It was the middle of the night, who the hell was calling?_

_I turned onto my side and reached over to grab the howling device, bringing it to my ear to listen in. The person on the other line was frantic, but I couldn't make out the words. I just knew something was wrong._

_I knew something happened to him again._

_I got out of bed and threw a jacket over my shoulders to keep warm before I ran out my bedroom, down my staircase that seemed to keep getting longer each step I took, and out to my car._

_I drove without even knowing it._

_I saw the flashing lights before I saw the black smoke and the burned wood that was Marco's house._

_Police cars and fire trucks were parked everywhere in front of the house and when I stepped out the car, everything was silent. All I heard was a ringing in my ear that wouldn't go away._

_I pushed through the crowds of the workers and ran up to the freckled family, staring at them with wide eyes. There was one of the Bodt's missing. My Bodt. Marco._

_His mother began to sob and his father looked stony. His siblings had pained expressions and the oldest, I think, didn't meet my eyes. They were covered in ash from the fire and they had minor burns, other than the little sister. Her entire left arm was covered in a bright red that didn't match her pale, freckled skin._

_I didn't have to ask why they were crying. I didn't want to look at them anymore. I knew what the fucker did. He saved them, right? Marco, the savior. Marco, the one who never made it._

_My stomach lurched as I entered the brittle house and found a group of firefighters staring down at what smelled horrific._

_All that was left was charred bones._

_I knew who's._

_I stepped forward and picked up a piece, earning blurred yells from the firefighters, and stared at the delicate little piece of Marco that rested in my palm._

_It was then that my voice broke and my screams echoed in the house that held smiles and laughter._

_I sobbed and sobbed until I couldn't breathe and it was then that they dragged me away._

_Marco._

_Marco, why is it always you?_

 

I awoke in a cold sweat and sat up too quickly, making my head spin and my vision blur. I felt vomit inching up my throat and I ran to my bedroom's bathroom, throwing up last night's meal into the toilet until everything was raw and painful.

"Fuck.." I sobbed, the dream still too vivid in my mind like it was a memory. It wasn't. _Marco is alive, Jean, he's alive. You're just having another dumb nightmare._

That didn't stop the tears, though.

I leaned back against the shower glass and ran my fingers through my messy hair as my body shook with my cries. The room reeked of sweat and puke and I shuddered as my cries quieted.

"Jean," I mumbled desperately to myself, "Get your shit together. You're going fucking nuts.."

I doubt I can handle any more of these Marco dying dreams.

I pulled myself up and flushed the toilet to get rid of the disgusting waste left in the bowl and left the bathroom.

I _needed_ to see Marco.

I threw on a pair of already-worn jeans and a gray t-shirt, decent enough attire, and pulled on my black converse before I left my room to the car.

I climbed into the pink Bugatti and raced away to the zoo, ignoring the speed limit as much as I could. I had to see him.

I parked the car shittily and threw money on the ticket booth counter to enter, ignoring their calls for me to actually get a ticket.

I ran through the zoo and found myself in front of the chimpanzee enclosure and stared at the lingering family for a few moments, causing for flashbacks of the dream to surface. Fuck, can't I be normal?

I shuddered and pulled my cellphone out to text Marco, my thumbs timidly tapping away. I was scared then.

**To Marco:**

Marco?

_Please answer. Fuck, please answer._

**From Marco:**

Yes, Jean? :]

_Thank fucking god._

**To Marco:**

Are you at the zoo?

_Don't comment on me being here. I hate it. I can hear kids laughing. All I can think of is the little girl's burns._

**From Marco:**

Yeah! I'm almost done today. c:

_Thank god. I typed faster than I thought and slammed my thumb on the send button._

**To Marco:**

Get your freckled ass over to the chimp area. I'm here.

_Please don't tell me no. Please._

**From Marco:**

Alright. You'll have to come with me to sign out. Is that okay?

_Yes. Yes, yes._

**To Marco:**

Just hurry.

_I need you._

I shoved my phone back into my pocket and looked to the left, spotting a huge butterfly bush. I didn't really want to be seen by any of the guests because I knew I looked horrible, so I stood beside the giant shrubbery and hid, leaning against the fence.

I didn't think of the smells of ash.

I didn't think of his charred bones.

I didn't think of the girl's arm.

I didn't think of the mother's sobs and the father's cold face.

I didn't think of the older brother not looking into my eyes.

I didn't think.

I didn't.

Fuck, everything hurt.

"Jean?" He sounded happy. He sounded _alive._

"Marco.." I sounded pathetic and I tried to ignore that as I listened to his sweet, sweet laugh. I stared at him and looked for his bones.

"Jean! Hey, we still need to sign me o--" He stopped talking I knew why. I mean, I didn't look great. I looked like shit. I looked like a disaster. I had heavy bags under my eyes and I didn't bother with my undercut. I was probably paler, too.

"Jean.." I couldn't help the way I moved to him so quickly and threw my arms around him. I clung to him and drowned in the smell of cinnamon, not burned flesh and smoke. He was alive.

"What happened?" He wrapped his arms back around me and I felt a quick emotion of happiness that he didn't reject me. I almost smiled then, but didn't. I couldn't.

"Marco.." My voice was cracked when I sobbed agains his bright red uniform shirt that somehow still smelt like him and not the animals he worked with. He rubbed my back and I shuddered strongly at the soothing touch.

"Marco.. You're alive." He's alive. He's okay. I could feel his warmth against me that reminded me of the flames, the ones that took him.

"What?" He sounded scared, I think. I couldn't blame him.

"S-Stay still, okay?" I was reluctant to let go of Marco, but I had to make sure. I held him at arm's length and let my stare flicker along his entire frame, focusing on his exposed skin, searching for any signs of burns or any charred bones peeking out.

I didn't look at his face, though, because I knew he probably looked scared of me. I couldn't see that.

I let go of all self control then.

I let out loud, ugly sobs as I shoved my face into Marco's shirt, wetting the fabric with my tears and I clung to him. I could vaguely hear him say that he's okay, but I wasn't paying attention.

"D-Don't leave me." I begged without a fucking care of how weak I sounded. He said he wouldn't dare. That helped.

"Jean.." I think he's about to cry. I sobbed harder until my throat burned and all that came out were whimpers. I left his warm embrace and frowned enough to make Marco look worried sick.

"Jean," He sounded like he was treading on eggshells, "follow me. I need to sign out from work."

I nodded slowly and moved to be right at his side, needing the closeness like I needed air, and refused to leave it until he had to enter the room full of skulls and pelts. I played with my thumbs as he signed out and tried not to look as nervous as I felt from being so far from him.

Once Marco walked out, it was like we were Siamese twins again. I hoped he didn't notice.

"Wanna walk around?" Marco asked, and I hesitantly nodded. The zoo wasn't my favorite place, but I had to be with him. He gave me a forced smile and I shuddered.

He was probably scared of me.

Marco gave me a tour of the zoo, leading me to his favorites like the leopard and two types of monkeys and maybe some prairie dogs. He kept making lame jokes and I let out small chuckles at them to feign happiness.

I didn't want to worry his freckles off.

Even as we walked through the zoo and passed many guests, I couldn't bring it in me to pull away from Marco's side. Being even only a few feet away from him made me get visibly shaken up and he caught on to it. He tried not to stray.

I heard Marco sigh and I wanted to ask what was wrong, which was probably me, but my stomach decided to be noisy instead. My face turned red as I heard Marco's soft chuckle.

"Wanna go out to eat?" I paled.

_Did Marco just ask me out on a date?_

Hah! As if. It isn't a date. He just wants to make sure I'm okay.

I gulped and turned to look at him, desperately praying he didn't notice my red cheeks.

"Please?" I mumbled and Marco smiled.

"Alright! Sina Sandwich Shop is really good." I felt Marco's freckled digits grip my arm and I shivered at the chills they sent across my skin, pricking the flesh with goosebumps. He ran quickly and I dragged behind, trying my best to keep up. We took a back trail and I didn't question it.

He led me to his truck and I looked at it with a curious gaze, wondering why it looked so _familiar_ to me, but I didn't question it. It's best not to ask.

He opened the passenger door for me and I tried to ignore the way my face felt particularly warm at the gesture, telling myself that he was just being his polite perfect self as I grabbed the support bar and hoisted myself up onto the seat.

The door shut and I watched as Marco ran to the other side of the car, to the driver's seat. He climbed in and struggled to get his keys out his pocket. I tried not to stare too much.

We drove in silence and after only a few minutes, I realized why it all felt familiar. The fucking car crash nightmare. My visage twisted into an agonized expression and I tried to ignore the pain in my chest as we parked and left the nightmare ride.

We stood in front of the sandwich menu and I stared at the options, finding nothing appealing. I groaned inwardly, the thought of eating now making me uncomfortable.

"Whatcha getting?" Marco asked, and I blinked because I didn't actually know.

"Uh. Club sandwich.." I made up, deciding that sounded like a reasonable choice to choke down. I looked over at him nervously and ripped my gaze away after a few moments.

He's alive and we're getting food together.

"I'll get that, too." Marco said and he stepped forward quickly to order our meals, including two drinks of sweet tea. I moved to his side, wide eyed from him not being by mine, and began to tell him to stop.

"Jean! You've paid for everything. Let me pay for once, okay?"

 _But I can afford it all,_ I thought.

I let out a soft sigh and nodded as I watched Marco paid.

We stepped aside to let other customers order and he turned to me with a warm smile on his lips.

"Where do you want to sit?" He gesturing to the selection of tables and booths in the open, but one stood out to me; hidden by two walls, only passed by waiters carrying orders, was a small booth. That brought comfort.

"That one?" I pointed to the walled up seating and Marco flashed me a reassuring smile and a nod before he led me through the maze of chairs to our destination.

He sat in front of me and I sat directly across, staring down at the wooden table that separated us. It was silent, other than the chatter of the other customers and the yells of the cooks in the nearby kitchen, and I felt uneasy.

"Jean.." Marco whispered, and I looked up to see those big brown eyes stained with fret.

Before either of us could speak, our orders arrived and our matching meals were placed before us. I grabbed the bread of the sandwich and brought it to my lips, sinking my teeth into the bread. It tasted fine when you weren't a wreak, I guess, because right now the bread was like dry sponge and the meat was like rubber.

"Jean," Marco's voice interrupted my disgust. I let out a shaky sigh and set my sandwich down on my plate.

I stared at his _beautifully_ freckled face for almost a minute until I told myself that staring at your friend like that was ridiculous.

"Marco.. I had another nightmare." I whispered, scared to say it fully out loud. My eyes were wide with fear as the entire event came back to the front of my mind, reminding me of the horrors. My fingers curled into fists and I shuddered.

"You, uh, you died again." I forced a laugh and it sounded like a dying animal cry.

I continued on anyway.

I had to say it.

"I-I was sleeping when I got the call that your house caught on fire.. Everyone got out in time but you. You wanted to save them, so you took longer to get out. You never did." I sounded pathetic and my stomach lurched with each crack in my walls. I was so close to losing it; my eyes stung and my body shook without control. Marco looked horrified with his callused hand covering his lips to mask his shock.

I forced myself to speak again, no matter how much my voice strained against the words.

"W-When I got there, they found your body. It was just charred bones.. Just charred bones." It was then that I realized I was crying, tears sliding down my face and hitting the wooden table. I wanted to laugh at myself for being such a fucking wuss, but Marco wasn't going to have that.

He got up quicker than I could blink and he sat beside me.

His arms coiled around my gangly body and I turned to face him, wrapping my own arms around him. I buried my sticky face into his neck and let it out for the second time that day, sobbing against his cinnamon scented flesh.

My body was wracked painfully by my own heavy breathing and silenced screams until I heard and felt Marco's soothing embrace.

"Jean.." He whispered tenderly as I whimpered.

"Jean, I'm alive. I'm okay. It was just a dream." He didn't die in a fire. Flames didn't eat him. He's okay.

"F-Fuck, Marco, don't leave me, please, please, don't leave me." I begged and begged through my lingering cries.

"I won't. You can come home with me, okay? I'm not sending you home when you're this shaken up." I tried to hide the relieved sigh I let out against his wet neck.

We were quiet until my heavy sobs turned to small whines and throughout the whole thing, Marco never let go.

Marco never let go.

Marco won't let go.

Minutes passed and now Marco and I were merely embracing, engulfed in each other's warmth, but I decided that I should pull back. I shivered at the chills I got without his broad chest pressed to my scrawny one, but clinging to your best friend like that for such a long period of time is.. _gay_ , right?

Marco got us boxes for our meals because we both silently agreed that eating wasn't going to happen tonight.

We left the shop side by side and got into his truck. We drove to his home with the sun setting before us, eliminating us with it's orange hues. I was emotionally drained and physically exhausted and I suspected Marco felt the same.

Marco pulled into his driveway to his two-story, white-picket-fence-house without-the-white-picket-fence, and I smiled slightly at how innocent it seemed.

It wasn't like they were trying to show off their wealth.

"Your house looks warm.." I mumbled, meaning that it looked like it was happy, so much more different than mine, and Marco smiled at me.

We exited his truck and hurried up the steps to the front door, which was shockingly unlocked (Marco said the neighborhood was just old people). The second we stepped inside, girlish screams echoed and the sight of a little Bodt throwing herself into Marco's arms made me owlishly blink. She looked familiar, like the burned child from my dream.

She didn't have burns on her left arm, I had checked.

Marco laughed gleefully as he swung his sister around and she giggled. All of the Bodts sound like angels.

I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling like I've intruded into this magic fucking sanctuary, and looked up to see that two other freckled Bodts had popped up.

Marco's family is big, I guess.

They all looked alike: freckled skin, big brown eyes, and dark brunette hair. They were a hardcore clan.

I tried to stop staring at them all because that's _weird_  and I'm a stranger in their house.

"Mom and dad are caught up at the bakery because they're doing a pretty intense wedding cake that needs all the time it can get. I've always fed these two, so they're alright." The second eldest Bodt clan member explained to Marco why their parents weren't home, and my brows cocked at the mentioning a bakery. So, not only is Marco perfect, but he can make a fine ass cake?

Totally not going to use him.

"And you are..?" The three of them questioned me quickly and I gulped, feeling suddenly judged by all three pairs of eyes. I knew I looked like shit still.

"U-Uh, Jean Kirschtein. I'm Marco's friend." I started off normal, at least. Give me that credit. Ignore my second part. "You all have so much freckles."

I fucking suck at introducing myself, don't I? Good thing they're all so damn angelic and they just giggled at my obvious embarrassment.

"Well, guys, Jean is staying the night here! We gotta go study now." Marco saved me from further torture as he ruffled his little sister's hair. They were cute, and for a few seconds, I was jealous.

"Is Jean your _boyfriend_?"

 _Oh my fucking god_.

She thinks we're dating.

Do we look like we're dating?

We're not dating; Marco is a guy and I'm a guy.

I tried not to look as shocked as I felt.

My cheeks felt hot and I didn't acknowledge it.

He's just your friend, Jean.

That's _it._

"N-No! He's just my friend! C'mon, Jean!" Marco yanked me up his stairs with his fingers digging into my wrist. I didn't complain.

"U-Uh, Marco.." My eyes were probably wider than before now. If Marco's little sister asked if I was his boyfriend, does that mean he's..gay?

"Lets get ready for bed." He didn't respond to me and I sighed. This was gonna be difficult, right? I ran my fingers through my shitty hair and tried to calm my nerves. My red beanie was long discarded on the floor beside me.

"I have clothes you can wear.." He threw pajama pants and a ridiculously huge t-shirt at me, which will make me look like I'm drowning in fabric, but I didn't whine about it. If anything, they would smell like Marco..

That's not weird.

Shut up.

I hooked my fingers on the hem of my own shirt and yanked if off, exposing my ridiculously pale torso to Marco's bedroom, and grabbed the "dress" to tug over my head. It was hard to get over my head with all the fabric, but I managed after struggling for a while.

I unbuttoned my jeans and kicked those aside before stepping into Marco's pajama pants. I smelled like him and I felt my chest swell. I can't stop being so fucking gay.

"I'll sleep on the floor.." I'm cool with that, but Marco wasn't. He spun to me and stared at me like I just worshipped Satan or something.

"You're my guest! Take my bed." He placed his calloused hands on my chest and shoved me towards his mattress. I felt my breath hitch in my throat but I tried not to think about it.

I whined and he told me to shut the fuck up. (He didn't say "fuck", though. The guy rarely curses).

He made himself a cot on the floor beside the bed and I laid down in his scent, curling into a ball under his covers. It's is my favorite smell, I've decided.

"Marco.." The lights turned off and I couldn't see him anymore.

"Everything smells like cinnamon in your house." I mumbled, feeling like it was important to say.

"U-Uh, yeah, my mom likes that smell.." Marco stuttered and I tried to focus on where he would be. I couldn't see him still. His eyes were closed, or he wasn't facing me.

"You guys look like clones, too." I grunted and Marco chuckled quietly.

"We get that a lot." I finally found those gorgeous brown eyes when I heard shifting. I stared at them, trying to read what he was thinking.

I had to ask.

"What was your sister talking about earlier?" The curiosity was killing me.

"It was nothing.." Marco Bodt is a terrible fucking liar. I didn't press, though. He'll tell me in time.

Silence came and I thought he fell asleep.

"Jean, I-If I was..into guys like that, would you hate me?" He thinks I would hate him because he's gay?

What?

Who the fuck does he think I am?

"No." I answered quickly. I gulped before I spoke again. "I didn't know you swinged that way, but hey.. More for you?"

If Marco's gay does that mean..feeling the way I do around him is okay?

No, it doesn't, it isn't, I mean, I'm not. _I'm straighter than straight, right?_

"Thank you.." He sounded so small. I chuckled lightly, trying to show him it was okay.

"S-So, you like guys, Marco? Just guys?" I don't know why it's so important to me.

"No.. I like more than guys. I mean, I guess like everyone. I'm what you call a _pansexual.."_ I was quiet for a few seconds, thinking about how god damn Marcoy that is. He's so perfect that he loves _everyone._  Freckled Jesus. He's so damn sweet..

"Whoever gets you is a luck person." That was obvious, at least. The sight of those brown eyes vanished for a moment. I stared in anticipation to see them again.

"I don't think they'll ever feel the same way about me."

  _What_? What? Marco likes someone? What the fuck? My eyes went wide and I snapped myself into a sitting position, adrenaline in my veins.

What the fuck?

"There's someone you like?!" I cried, trying not to sound as scared as I felt then. My stomach was lurching and I felt like I was going to throw up.

"Y-Yeah!" Fuck. Who's going to take Marco away? Who even fucking earned his affection?

Why did I feel so upset over it?

" _Dammit_.." I mumbled to myself, unsure of why I felt so jealous.

We fell quiet and Marco had shut his eyes. I can't see him anymore. It feels like I'm alone now. I can't even hear him breathing.

_He's dead, right?_

"Marco, I can't see you." I tried not to sound as panicky as I felt then.

"I'm right here, Jean." He sounded like he was speaking to a cornered animal.

I kinda felt like one.

I still can't see him.

"Marco, I can't see you." I repeated with my voice cracking pathetically.

"I-I can share the bed with you? There's enough space for the both of us."

I didn't bother with a "no homo".

" _Please_?" I begged and Marco untangled himself from his warm cocoon. I scooted over for him and felt his weight dip into the mattress, which made the pain in my chest vanish.

He laid beside me and I stared at him with my sleep laden eyes.

"I'm here, Jean.." Marco's breath was so close to me. I didn't think as I wrapped my arms around his broad frame and pressed to him close. He held me back, and I was slammed into the heavier scent of cinnamon.

I took in a deep whiff of him and felt everything melt away.

I didn't have any nightmares that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay but seriously 
> 
> jean is so fuckin gay
> 
> my homo bby ofmgng
> 
> aLSO if you guys know how I can link Marco's POV in the summary and Jean's POV for Marco's can you let me know because 
> 
> I really gotta do that


	5. What I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean struggles to understand until the answer is given.

Why is it like cinnamon hell?

I slowly opened my eyes, trying to figure out where the source of heat came from, and I was greeted by the sight of freckled skin close to my face. I blinked owlishly, trying to process it all, and found out that Marco was the heater in the bed.

I tried not to think about how his limbs were laced tightly with mine.

"Marco?" I grunted, staring up at the blushing guy, and he quickly struggled to get us free from our mess.

"M-Morning, Jean!" Marco squealed with his big brown eyes unusually wide, staring at me with this strange fear in them, and I wondered what crawled up his ass. He seemed pretty flustered.

"Mornin'.." I groaned out, ignoring the cracks in my sleep-heavy voice, and rolled over to sit up, which I didn't do. Instead, I fucking plummeted to Marco's floor. I stiffened, not wanting to move, and played dead as my body ached from the fall. I think I heard Marco try to hold back a chuckle.

"Sleepy?" Marco chimed, and I could hear the smile in his voice. I tried not to groan against the cold floor in response to his new development of talking so early in the goddamn morning.

"First good sleep in a while." I mumbled after a few moments, deciding to be honest about how I managed to be nightmare-free for the night. I don't know why, but I think Marco had to do with it. I didn't want to dwell on that.

"That's great! Aren't you hungry?" Marco questioned, and my stomach hissed in response. Marco and I didn't even touch our dinners last night, so we were both running pretty low on fuel and refilling sounded pretty good right about now. I pulled myself off Marco's carpet and stood up, making sure my legs could handle the action in the process, and turned to face Marco.

He stood and sauntered to his dresser to gather his (and mine, probably) clothing for the day. I tried not to wonder about what was in the top drawer.

Boxers, probably..

"Wanna shower?" Marco's voice interrupted my not-so-straight thoughts and I caught the outfit of clothes that certainly didn't fit him in my arms.

"Sure." I replied whilst I draped the cinnamon scented attire over my arm, delicate with the articles of clothing because they were Marco's..not like that mattered, of course.

Cinnamon doesn't even smell that good, okay?

Marco led me to his bathroom (ridiculously clean, might I add) and I began to peel off my clothes from yesterday, starting with my shirt. I hooked my thumbs on the hem of the slim fabric and began to tug it off my torso, hiding my face with it, and I heard the bathroom door slam shut loudly. I tossed the shirt aside and tried to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach as I removed the rest of my night's clothing.

Marco's shower was difficult to get started, but than again, who's wasn't? I had to try and figure out which direction made it hot and which made it cold. I stepped inside of Marco's showering, ignoring the fact that Marco has stood here naked before, which is something that wouldn't leave my mind and I didn't know why, and rinsed off my skin. I kinda smelt like the freckled asshole at the end, but not as much.

No one could replace Marco.

Why was I thinking that?

I left the shower with a small grunt and gingerly dried myself off before I tugged on Marco's only attire that would fit me.

I stared at myself in the slightly fogged bathrooms mirror, taking notice in the way Marco's shirt hung off my gaunt frame like a shitty muumuu from the clearance rack at Walmart.

I sighed and ran my digits through my soaking wet undercut, trying to move the blonde strands that licked my forehead out the way, which failed.

So I looked like shit today, and? It wasn't like Marco cared. He shouldn't.

I left the bathroom with the fan still running to get rid of the extreme humidity and walked to Marco's bedroom, and it was then that I heard the muffled sound of Marco talking. He seemed pretty troubled with his tone, but I couldn't make out the words. I waited a couple seconds until I opened his bedroom door.

I was greeted by burning freckles and wide eyes. I stared, throughly lost, and saw in his hand that he was clutching his phone. Oh, I interrupted, didn't I?

"Oh, Marco, are you on the phone?" I questioned, and Marco quickly flustered.

"Y-Yeah! Was! Was on the phone." He hung up and I cocked a brow, curious as to what crawled up his ass again (is it wrong for me to say that since he's kinda gay?) , but I wasn't going to push it.

"Oh.. Alright. Well, your turn." I didn't want to approach Marco at this point because the night before keeps flashing into my mind. Around him, my mouth felt like it was full of cotton. I don't know why it felt like yanking nails off right now. I just feel scared. Not of him, but me.

He slid past me and left me in the doorway of his bedroom as he rushed to get into the shower.

I looked around Marco's room, taking in the smallest details like the photographs of his entire family displaying the Bodt Clan Smile and some signed baseball on his bookshelf.

He was a dweeb.

My dweeb.

No, I mean, not like that.

Right?

I slowly shrunk down onto the ground, pulling my knees against my chest with my arms tightly snaked around them so I could rest my head atop the sharp bones with ease. My knees were pretty bad, hence me not wearing shorts often, but since shorts were all that Marco had to offer, I dealt with it. Marco. I can't go five fucking minutes without thinking of him.

What is wrong with me?

I closed my eyes and tried to not think, not about how Marco has that line of freckles across his nose or how he had tiny, tiny little freckles on his bottom lip that you can only see when you're close. Fuck.

There's something wrong with me.

"Jean, lets get some food." I hadn't heard the bedroom door open, but Marco was standing there with fret on his face. I didn't ask why. I stood up and walked followed him down to the now-noisy kitchen that was, I suspected, full of the Bodt Clan members.

I walked into the room and saw a shit-ton of freckles.

"Marrrrrcoo!" The little girl from last night cried, and I stared as she flung her tiny build into Marco's arms. Marco swung her around, laughing when she would squeal and kick her little legs. I tried not to choke on how Full Housey it was.

"Good morning." Marco chirped to his clan, receiving a happy chorus of greetings in return. They're morning people, I guess, unlike Marco. He let the excited girl down and her suspecting stare lock on me. I felt my breath hitch and..am I sweating? She looks hella scary, okay?

"You're Marco's boyfriend!" The girl accused with a pointing finger, and my eyes widened. _No_. No, no I'm not. The rest of the Bodt Clan turned their attention to me and I think his parents smiled with..approval? No, no.

"Oh, are you Marco's boyfriend?" Marco's small mother questioned as she came over. Her gaze traveled up and down my frame, as if she was judging me to see if I was _good enough_ for her son, and I knew my cheeks were on fire. No, I'm not. I'm not gay. _Stop._

"N-No, Ma'am! I'm just his friend!" I shrieked as politely as I could, trying desperately not to sound as scared as I felt. I'm not dating Marco. I won't ever date Marco. Fuck, why did that make my chest ache?

"Oh, really? I'm sorry about Lore, than." His mom went on to giggle like Marco does when he finds something really funny. She gestured to the little girl that suspected me and I assumed she was Lore; Belgian names, man. There was a commotion a few seconds later and Marco's dad was running to the pan that was cooking eggs and bacon, which were now charred from neglect. The smell of murdered bacon filled my head and I ached with hunger. 

"Oops!" Marco's mom cried as she ran to her husbands side, assign him with disposing of the wasted food and turning off the burning stove top. I heard choking noises from one of the boys that sat in front of the counter. I don't know their names. All I knew is that they're different. This entire family is different than mine.

"Your family is kinda funny.." I muttered to myself, but I think Marco heard me. He glanced back at me after I had said it, but he didn't comment. He probably thought the same. The commotion in the kitchen calmed and I just felt more and more uncomfortable.

"Who are you, than?" Marco's dad asked, and I tensed. His voice was kinda harsh compared to Marco's and it was intimidating. Speaking of my freckled loser, Marco had gotten out some cold pizza slices for us to consume. I had no complaints. Back to Marco's scary as fuck dad that could snap me in half.

"J-Jean Kirschtein, sir! I'm Marco's friend." I was half tempted to salute Marco's dad, but what if he was a veteran? That would be rude, right? What do I do?

"Don't piss yourself, Jean. We're all pretty relaxed in this house." The scary guy chuckled warmly and I loosened up. Yeah, the people that raised Marco to be the perfect guy he is now can't be too bad. He continued speaking after a few seconds, "You and Marco should come down to the bakery today."

Wait, what?

"Bakery, sir..?" I questioned, obviously lost. What did a bakery have to do with them? I don't remember the last time I've been to a bakery in Trost. Next to me, Marco choked on the slice of pizza he had been eating, and he swallowed a chunk of crust to quickly speak. I shoved a slice down my throat, too.

"W-We have a family bakery! 'Bodt's Buns'! Mom and dad work there and I sometimes do if I'm not at the zoo." Marco seemed pretty proud of this, I noticed. But I also took note of the name of their family business. _'Bodt's Buns'._ What the fuck? I started to feel laughter bubble in my chest before I let it out in loud cackles.

"'Bodt's Buns', really?" My laughter began to spread amongst his family, starting with his dad, until everything was shits and giggles at making fun of the name. It's silly as fuck. They're lame.

"It's a great name!" Shrieked a little voice, which came from Lore(?), and I let a small smile sit on my lips for a couple moments. She was kinda like me, I guess.

"It is." I said, making sure my voice was soft. I brushed some tears out of my eyes, which were from just laughing, and took in a deep gulp of air. I felt safe around these people.

"Lets go?" Marco's mom asked a few moments later, and we all agreed except for one of the Bodt Boys. He had other plans.

"Jean," Marco mumbled and I tried not to think about how godamn well my name rolled off his tongue. "This is Lore." Marco pointed at the gay reader. "This is Xander." Marco pointed to the kid leaving for friends. "And this is Lukas." He looked too much like his parents. "They're all my siblings." No kidding. Fucking freckles _e_ _verywhere._

Marco turned to his parents and smiled kindly at them.  
"Mrs. and Mr. Bodt."

Marco's mom replicated Marco's beaming smile and I took that shit in so fast. She looked friendly. She looked sweet. She looked like she loved her family. This, I've realized, is a real mother, a person two worlds away from the woman that raised me. I was jealous. "You can call me Eli." She said, and I tested the name out in my head. Modest, like her.

Instantly, a large arm was slung over Eli's tiny shoulders and I followed the limb up to see a wolfish smirk on Marco's dad's face. They weren't that much alike, honestly. "The names Daan." Was I making a bad first impression? What the fuck do I say?

"That's the Bodt Clan!" Marco clapped with a stupid grin on his face and I glanced around the room to see that every single person was smiling but me. They weren't the fake smiles I've mastered, too. These people were genuinely happy. I wanted to be with them.

"Thank you guys.." I mumbled with my head lowering, trying my damned to be respectful to Marco's family because they deserved it. My eyes were burning and I knew why. I wanted this kind of love around me, okay? His parents smiled and we left the cinnamon scented house to walk down the street.

Marco and I dragged behind.

"So, what so you think?" Marco chipped, and I furrowed my brows. What did I think? There was no way to sum up what I was feeling.

"I was right," I started off slow as the memory of being in Marco's car flashed in my mind, "It is warm."

Marco didn't say anything.

A couple minutes later, we arrived at the bakery and his parents began to open it up for the day. When I was walking inside, Marco's mom spun around and stared at my hands. I blinked, watching her as she grinned in an almost approving way, and I was about to ask her what it meant.

"Wanna learn some bakery stuff?" She questioned, and you beat your ass I agreed.

They led the way to the back kitchen of the bakery with Lukas running the front counter. People were already arriving for their breakfast Bodt Bun and I wondered how popular the place was.

We spent the next millennium covered in flour, laughing and creating a disaster in Marco's clean kitchen. I didn't know a single thing about baking, so there were many failed loaves of bread made.

We finally made one that Marco said could possibly look and shoved it into the burning hell that is an oven.

"Marco! Marco, Marco, Marco! Look!" I shrieked after a couple minutes, noticing the bread rise with ease. I squatted down in front of the glasses and stared with wide, proud eyes. "Look, it's growing!"

Marco chuckled and plopped down beside me, staring into the oven like it was the best thing he was witnessing. I was too busy staring at the loaf to look at him.

"Cool, right?" He said, his voice kinda hushed into a whisper. I felt a hot stare on the side of my face and grew quickly uncomfortable, enough to look at Marco. He looked pretty bashful when I had caught his eye, but we didn't speak.

Not until the kitchen was filled by an obnoxious beeping cry.

"It's ready." I hummed, extremely excited to get the bread out. Marco giggled and we stood up together, wielding oven mitts for our protection. We opened the oven and I pulled away from the gust of hot air before we took the trays out to lay on the cooling rack.

I stared at the loaf I knew was mine and reached to the side to get a thin knife and proudly carved a "J"on the top of the bread. I snuck a picture of the item on my iPod and calmly set it as my background, which made Marco start to laugh, but I punched his arm and told him to shut the fuck up. I was goddamn proud.

"You're super proud, huh?" Marco hummed with a sense of amusement in his tone.

"Yeah. I've never baked, you know!" I didn't need to with my lifestyle. Marco snorted and began to slice into my creation with a delicacy that comforted me. I don't know why, but it's all these small things I keep noticing about Marco..

He had taken a thick piece betwixt his nimble digits and he stepped forward to me, which made me stumble back. I stared at him with wide eyes, confused on his constant advancement. They weren't gonna leave. All I saw was a flash of freckles before I felt the piece shove against my lips roughly.

 _Holy fuck_.

I grunted, shocked, and opened my mouth to grab the thick slice with my teeth. I'll be damned if I didn't fight back, which didn't matter in the end because Marco literally shoved the entire piece against my mouth and chin, covering me in messy crumbs. I laughed and chewed quickly, trying to get rid of the bread pushing down my throat, and Marco looked accomplished in front of me.

Freckled bastard.

"How did it taste?" Marco inquired, his brown eyes wide with excitement. I grunted when I swallowed, and crossed my arms over my chest. "Not bad. Almost died eating it, though."

Marco laughed like his dad and reached forward to take a smaller slice of my bread to taste. He let it sit on his tongue for a few moments and I felt like I was being judged hardcore, getting self conscious of my shit bakery skills, but Marco nodded a few moments later. "Novice, but tasty. Did leave my mouth a bit parched, though." He announced and I shoved him without a second thought.

It was then that my phone unleashed fucking Satan and screamed for my attention. I wiped my flour coated fingers on my (Lukas's) apron and got out my phone, sliding the screen open. I let out a low sigh at the caller ID, wondering why my mom was bugging me, and answered.

"What?" I hissed the second the call connected and my mom's whiny, fake voice filled the other line.

"Where were you last night?" She cried, I think, but it was so fucking fake that I felt anger boil in my chest. She didn't give two shits about me.

"Mom, look, I was with a fucking friend." It was then that I snapped. "Why do you even care? Why did you even notice? You never fucking notice me anyway, so why now?" I snarled into the phone and tightened my hold on the replaceable device, wanting so badly to just chuck it at the wall or something. Marco had gotten closer to me, but I wasn't paying attention.

"The housekeeper told me you didn't come home last night, Jeanb--" I hung up. I didn't want to hear her voice anymore. I didn't want her to fuck me over right now. I just wanting Marco to not let me lose it. I just wanted Marco.

What is wrong with me?

"Jean.." Marco untied his apron and I followed his lead, tossing Lukas's aside with slight care. I stared at Marco for a few moments, wondering what he was thinking, and then he smiled.

And his smile vaguely reminded me of art.

Fuck.

Marco was speaking and he ripped me out of my vicious thoughts.

"Wanna go on a car ride?" He offered and I let out a small sigh. Yes, Marco, please. I ran my still slightly floury fingers through my two-toned undercut and nodded slowly.

"That sounds..nice, Frecks'. At the end, can we go to the zoo? I gotta get my own car to go home." I choked out the word "home" because where I live certainly isn't that. But, we both knew I had to go there anyway. We left the kitchen and said goodbye to Marco's family on the way out the front doors.

I followed Marco down the sidewalk in the middle of the god-awful heat to his crappy truck in a rough silence between us. We didn't know what to say.

I climbed into the passenger seat and Marco got in the driver's, turning on the vehicle to bring it life. Marco listened contently to the purr of his engine before he pulled out the driveway and drove down the street, no destination in mind.

"What do you want to listen to, Jean?" Marco questioned and I smirked slightly. I pulled out my phone and played music from the best band of all time.

"Say Anything." I hummed, knowing damn well how proud I was of the band. It was great. It was the best. I watched as Marco's lips curved up into a small smile in response and I wondered if he knew the band.

"What about MCR?"

_Hah?_

_No._

_Don't._

_Oh my god, Marco._

"What? No. No, Marco, no." I cringed with disgust at the mentioning of such a shit band like MCR in the presence of Say Anything's music.

"What?! How can you hate MCR? They're amazing!" Marco cried with his gaze flickering over at me before he returned it to the road. I only smirked wider, amused by how goddamn ignorant Marco was to _good_ music.

"They suck. They're terrible and their band is dead. It's not 2006 anymore." I crossed my arms over my chest and held my place, pretty fucking proud of my burn.

"Oh? Well, Say Anything is terrible!" Marco grunted as he shoved what I assumed was the Black Parade DVD into the radio, turning up the volume on full blast. I whined as I heard _Teenagers_  blare loud enough to shake Marco's truck. I covered my ears by the second verse, done with listening to it, and Marco cackled until the song ended. The car was full of dry static after that as the DVD was preparing for the second song.

"My turn." I hummed when I turned down the radio and played " _Judas Decapitation"_ by Say Anything, letting the glorious music replace MCR's grimy residue.

We continued our rough battle until we ended up at a dead end, in front of Trost's hugeass lake. Marco put the truck in park and turned off the engine, plunging us into the burning hell that was summer with the windows down. Marco turned in his seat to face me and grinned, excitedly waiting for his turn to play his music, and the lyrics of _Crush'd_  by Say Anything filled the silence.

_"I have a total crush on you, baby, if only I could let you know"_

The singer cried and I felt my chest tighten. Why? Why did it have to be like this? Why am I getting weird around Marco? My lips were pressed in a thin line and I stared straight out the front window. I feel so fucking sick with myself.

MCR didn't play after that.

"Jean, why are you acting so distant..?" Marco sounded like he was scared to ask.

I let the silence drag on for a few moments before I let out a long sigh, letting go.

"I don't know, Marco. I don't know anymore and it's fucking killing me. I'm scared. I shouldn't be. I'm just.. I don't know who I am anymore." Or what I am. Or what I'm doing. Or what you're doing to me. Fuck, Marco. You're wreaking me, you know? I ran my shaking digits through my messy hair and noted how much I've done that today.

"Jean.." Marco sounded like he was talking to some startled kid.

"Jean, listen, don't ever doubt yourself. Don't beat yourself over whatever is bugging you. You can tell me anything, you know. I won't judge you." I don't know if even you, Freckled Jesus, could handle it.

"I don't know if I can even tell myself." I muttered truthfully, not trusting my tongue's ability to hold those words that have been floating in my head all day. I didn't look at Marco then because I knew I would do something I'd regret.

"Can't you try it?" Marco questioned, and I frowned.

"Marco.." I tried not to hiss his name out. I fucking tried.

"You don't have to." Marco said quickly, almost like he wanted to say something else.

"Marco, I-I'm scared. More scared than any of those nightmares. I'm scared of ruining something." Of ruining us, I thought. I can't lose Marco. I'm selfish like that.

"You won't ruin anything, Jean. I promise that." Marco's voice was almost too soft for me to register. It didn't help with the confidence shit.

"I'm not sure I believe you." I tore my gaze from the window to look at Marco. I felt my eyes widen because Marco had such a ridiculously concerned face on.

"Jean.." Marco took in a sharp gulp of air and I wondered how his lungs felt so full.

"Jean, I told you something incredibly important to me last night and you didn't leave me for it. I won't leave you for whatever you say." I hope he meant that.

I might as well do it.

"I'm jealous." I knew how goddamn bitter I sounded then, you don't have to tell me.

"What?" Marco was genuinely confused and I felt like laughing.

"I'm jealous of..who we've you like." I droned on further, giving some clearance to what I meant. I wondered how icy my voice was. I couldn't tell anymore.

"Jea--" No, don't. Shut up.

"It's not fucking fair, Marco! It's not fucking fair!" I snarled with my fists tightening at my sides, growing angry and scared and so goddamn lost.

"Jea--" Don't. Stop. Shut up. I don't want to hear you. Don't tell me you're going.

"Why is he better than me? Why? Why can't it be me? Why do I want it to be me? What the fuck is wrong with me?" I was crying and I didn't know why. Marco reached forward and brushed his thumb against my cheek gently, like he was soothing a scared animal. I just shook, staring at him, wondering /why/.

"Jean, you're crying.." Marco mumbled as he desperately searched for me.

"I'm so fucking jealous and I don't know why.. I don't know why I want to be him." My voice cracked with each word that left my mouth and I let out a strained, pathetic laugh that sounded like someone was strangling me.

Maybe I was strangling myself.

"You are."

What did he just say?

"What?" My voice was a squeak and Marco cupped my cheek fully, holding it in his large palm. I just stared, wide eyed, and felt the panic leave my chest.

"Marco..? What?" Maybe I heard him wrong. I was probably wrong. I am wrong. My hearing is shit. I leaned into Marco's palm and just hoped.

"Jean.. You really think I found someone better than you? Really? You're a stubborn asshole, Jean, but that just makes you who you are. You're also super freaking oblivious.." Marco fucking giggled and my heart stopped.

"Marco, did you just? Did you?" I was as scared as I was excited. What did this mean? Why do I feel so relieved? Why did I want to kiss him?

"Yeah." Marco whispered with a smile.

"Marco." I mumbled, letting his name settle on my tongue like a treasured candy.

"Jean." I followed Marco's gaze to my lips and I noticed how close we were now, sharing air.

"I.. Marco, uh.." I couldn't find any words to sum up what I was feeling.

"Yeah?" Marco's brown eyes lifted to my own and I felt my breath hitch. I was grinning from ear to ear and my heart was beating too fast.

"I don't understand what's happening to me, Marco, but I'm so fucking happy right now and all I want is to kiss your stupid freckled face." I let out a heavy sigh. I don't know what this meant about me, but right now, I didn't give a fuck.

"Why don't you?" Marco mumbled with such carelessness that I knew I would lose my mind.

"Fuck you, Freckled Jesus." I growled and stared down at those adorable little lips that I wanted to memorize.

"Get over here, Horse." I ignored the name. Marco patted his lap and I whined about how ridiculously difficult it would be for me to get over to him (it really was) and a few minutes later I was settled on Marco Bodt's lap.

Marco's hands gripped my sharp hips and I coiled my arms around his neck, pressing our (largely size different) torsos together. I shuddered the second I felt his lips on mine and it was then that I knew it was all okay. Call me fucking cliche for that, I don't care. The kisses were shaky and nervous at first, mere pecks to test how we felt about it, but we soon began to suffocate in each other's touches. I deepened the kiss with a turn of my head to the right and I knew damn well I wasn't a bad kisser when Marco hummed in approval. Neither was Marco, I had to admit.

All I could taste, smell, feel, and hear was Marco Bodt, and will never grow old.

After a while, we were sloppy and out of breath, panting against each other. Marco's large hands were pressed against my flat stomach and my digits were tightly locked in his messy dark hair. I opened my eyes to meet his gaze and the second Marco began to laugh, I did too. We were giggling until our stomachs ached and then some.

We were making out in the middle of the day with hot air burning our skin. We were all over each other like we were freezing, but the sweat dewing on our skin said otherwise.

I didn't notice the heat with Marco as much.

"Jean.." Marco sighed out my name as I nuzzled my face against his neck, taking in heavy sniffs of his fucking amazing scent.

"Marco.." I grunted against his skin and earned a tiny whimper from Marco about how sensitive his neck happened to be. I may or may not have taken note of that mentally.

"You smell so much like cinnamon." I said for maybe the _100th_ time since I met him.

"You're so beautiful, Jean." Marco purred and I felt my cheeks flood with red.

"Shutup." I muttered, trying to sound manly, but Marco still laughed.

A comfortable silence fell between us for a few minutes until Marco broke it.

"So.. Are we together now..?" Yes.

"Hell yeah." I immediately answered as I lifted my head to grin at Marco, letting him know I was ready now.

"You're mine, F.J, sorry." I didn't sound sorry as I leaned in to brush my lips against his addicting pair. He chuckled when they met and I shivered at the vibrations.

"Welcome to the Bodt Clan, Horse." Marco squeezed me close and I felt at home. Where I live will never replace how I feel in Marco's arms.

We spent maybe the next hour just clinging to each other, sticking our skin together in the heat, until I climbed off Marco and back into the passenger seat so we can drive to the zoo. On the way, we took turn playing our music and made dumbass jokes.

When we arrived, I opened the passenger door and ran around to Marco's side. I opened his door and yanked my light figure up with the grip handle on the ceiling so I could kiss my boyfriend (ohmygod) goodbye. He leaned into the touch and I knew damn well he was indulging in my leaving gift but I just didn't want to move away. Not yet. We were practically making out by the time I heard voices squeals and 'He got some'! yells. I assumed it was Marco's coworkers and by how fast Marco snapped back, I was right. I held back a small chuckle before Marco bellowed just like his father, "CONNIE, SAHSA, GO AWAY."

The two scampered away and I began to peel with laughter.

"Don't mind them, Jean. They're just my friends." Marco said as he leaned forward to peck my nose and I hummed.

"They look annoying." I sounded bitter, but I think I could actually deal with them, maybe.

"You'd like them. Come see me tomorrow?" Marco offered, wanting to introduce me to his friends. I smiled and nodded, pretty excited to see the people Marco put up with.

"You bet your freckled ass." I replied with a grin before I leapt off the side of Marco's truck to saunter away to my pink Bugatti.

I got in, drove, and got to my house that wasn't my home.

I snuck inside, easily avoiding my mother, and climbed into bed as the thoughts of everything ran in my mind.

My name is Jean Kirschtein and I have a boyfriend.

I guess I'm pretty fucking _homo_ , huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this was shitty
> 
> I'm so sorry


	6. Greetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean is probably gonna either hate or love these dumbasses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY IM ALIVE  
> STRESSED BUT ALIVE  
> I'm so sorry I keep updating so late  
> School is a lot and my personal life is a tad bit hectic  
> I hope you can forgive me

It's always Marco waking me up these days. I mean, his ringtone was one my favorite songs by Say Anything, but when that song is screeching at me when I'm unconscious, it kinda loses its position on my favorites list. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love hearing from Marco, but I'm a grouchy asshole that tries to ignore the shrieks of his cell phone.

I think it was after the third call that I reached over to my bedside to grab my phone. I finally accepted the fact the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the day had began, and my boyfriend was waiting.

I pressed the "Call Back" button in my touch screen and lazily pressed the cold phone against my cheek, holding it in place. Marco answered after the first ring.

"Marco, sorry, my phone was on silent--" Okay, maybe I lied a little. I didn't want to sound like complete trash. My voice was rough from the lack of use since I had literally just woke up and I heard Marco breathe out a small sigh. He was glad.

"It's fine! Are you ready to come?" Marco's voice was beautifully cheerful as it screamed into my ear, thanks to my phone being on the highest volume, and I grunted. He's there.

I didn't say anything as I crawled out of my bed to walk down the staircase, to the kitchen, for my life fluids. I opened the coffee maker and shoved one of those stupid K-Cups into it and placed a mug on the designated spot. The sound of coffee pouring filled the dull silence of the room. The smell filled the lifeless kitchen and I wondered if it would always smell like this, if my mom cooked. Alive.

"Yeah. I'll be headin' out the door soon. I'm making coffee now." I finally responded, trying my damn best to sound more awake.

"Alright," Marco sang and I felt my cheeks darken as I grabbed the warm handle of my mug, "everyone is here! They're really curious about you."

Shit.

 _Shit_.

"Oh," Sound calm, Jean, "Why? Whatdidya tell them?" That's it. Normal. No pressure here, nope. Freckled Jesus didn't just slam a ten pound dumbbell on my chest.

"Just that you're super cool but you act like an ass for the first couple hours." Marco basically summed me up in 16 words and I snorted. Although, he was wrong. I'm an ass always. He was lying to make me sound better, I guess.

"Well, be there in a few." I responded softly and I heard Marco hum in agreement. I brought my portable cup of Life Juice to my lips and tilted my head back to chug down the scolding strong liquids, despite the pain that followed.

My throat was as raw as my nerves about meeting Marco's coworkers and friends. I mean, I've seen a few of them when they were working, but that's it. I know there's a few intimidating ones, like some super buff guy and his tall, sweaty friend. I didn't want to mess with them. They'd probably snap me in half if they'd have the chance, right? He then has those two annoying jackasses, the hyperactive chick and the Aang guy. Marco literally hangs out with everyone. There are no people he won't find the good in.

It's ridiculous. He's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous for dating him. And _gay_. I'm ridiculous and gay. Gay and gay? Happy and gay. Okay, Jean, shut up.

I let the taste of the coffee sit on my tongue as my gaze wandered to the vase that sat on the counter with a card inside the colorful display that read, "To Mrs. Kirschtein", in handwriting that wasn't my father's, but his secretary's. My father was a busy man, sure, but too fucking busy to sign the card for his shit apology flowers? Who knows what they're for this time. The house is littered with these vases of dying hues. It smells sickening in here to me without coffee sweetening the air.

Despite the negative aura the plants held, I couldn't help but stare at a vibrant red rose. There were freckles deep within the petals, staining them with dots like a connect-the-dots sheet, and I was reminded of Marco's messy cheeks. When he's embarrassed he matches the shade of the petals and his freckles seem to just drown in red. I smiled at the thought and wondered how he would react if I brought it to our first date.

Pretentiousness is totally gonna win a kiss or ten.

I carefully plucked the flower from the bunch and trimmed it to a more reasonable length, a skill I've learned by watching my mom do as a child, and removed any thorns. Little by little, I was growing more excited to see Marco with it. With the stem tangled in his stupid, gorgeous hair. With the petals resting almost against his face, highlighting his features. I wondered how his freckles would look with his twin flower there.

I left the rose and my coffee on the counter to run upstairs and shower up. I tried not to spend forever in front of the mirror, inspecting my undercut and face until I thought it was fine enough. I shoved my beanie atop my cranium and let it be. I was about to spray some cologne on myself before I remembered one of Marco's important rules, rule number 4, " _No cologne! They'll piss all over you_ ". I'd like to avoid that situation. A golden shower from a bunch of shitty animals isn't how I'd like to spend my first date with my lame boyfriend.

"Jean," I muttered to my reflection, "Don't fuck it up today."

Good advice, Jean.

You're welcome, Jean.

I let out an anxious sigh and hurried out the airing out bathroom to the downstairs, grabbing my pretentious present and coffee, and hurried to my Pink Bugatti.

I almost wanted to laugh at how gay it was. I'm sure Marco has.

I climbed in and (illegally) sped my way through all stop signs to get to the zoo as fast as possible before I sloppily parked and tumbled out the door.

I didn't spill my lukewarm coffee or drop the rose as I stood awkwardly, searching for Marco.

It didn't take long to find him, I mean, their uniforms were pretty ridiculous.

I ran over like strangled feet and owlishly stared at him, unable to find my voice under everything that rushed in my mind. I audibly gulped and shoved the stupid rose forward to him, easily avoiding his eyes in the process.

"J-Jean.." Marco whispered as his beautiful fingers took ahold the flower. He held it carefully, like it had a pulse and a mind. He was admiring the small details of the petals when I glanced up at his eyes.

"I-I, thanks. It's beautiful." Marco sounded pretty flustered. My cheeks only got darker and I snorted internally. He approached me slowly, carefully, and wrapped his arms around my neck. He was careful of my coffee.

"It's cheesy, I know, shut up, don't make fun of me." I whined into Marco's broad shoulder and I felt his frame vibrate with laughter. He's gorgeous.

I'm dating a damn model.

I've probably said that already, right?

"It's really great, Jean! I wish I got you something." Marco reassured me quickly with his big smile and I couldn't help but smile back and stare. I breathed in sharply through my nose, pulling back from Marco so I could take the rose from his hold. I held the stem betwixt my digits and brought it up behind his right ear, resting it with his dark hair holding it in place.

 _Jesus_.

"Better than I thought.." I muttered as I stared at Marco's blushing face and the rose that decorated him. Flower crowns are the bane of my existence, but this was just amazing. No words could explain how goddamn gorgeous Marco looked as the sun illuminated his face. He leaned forward and kissed my cheek and I tried not to blush darker.

"W-Well, lets go! Are you ready to smell strongly of various animals and their waste?" Marco grinned at me from ear to ear and I gulped nervously, feeling my Adam's apple bob in my throat. Animals and I never had a strong connection. Dogs hated me. Cats wanted me to die. I squinted and frowned with disgust and fear as I toyed with the hem of my red beanie.

"Ew. Ew, okay, that's gross. I guess. Your friends aren't animal freaks, right?" I stared into Marco's dark eyes for any sort of sign I wasn't about to be surrounded by any intimidating hippy people and he just snorted. Snorted. Oh, god, I'm going to die.

"Mm.." Marco thought before he spoke again. "We're not all crazy. Now, c'mon, they're expecting us." I glanced down to see Marco's nimble digits tangle with mine and I was suddenly very, very fucking conscious of how sweaty my palms were. I frantically looked up at him and he just squeezed my hand and led me away to my doom.

He dragged me through a long, dull hallway with many heavy doors leading to rooms I couldn't even imagine, and he stopped in front of a practically large door. He seemed nervous as he grasped the handle to open the door, and I peeked inside to see a shitton of eyes staring back at me.

"Whoa. Lots of you guys." I muttered anxiously as the sight of shitty red and khaki overloaded my brain. There was a huge crowd, with a few familiar, and a few of them laughed a little. I didn't know why. Fuck those people.

"U-Uh, well, this is everyone, Jean. Literally everyone. All the volunteers. Guys, why are you all here?" Marco was flustered as he let his gaze travel amongst the crowd that was gathered in this kitchen(?) room. I didn't feel all that great, too.

"We wanted to say hi!" One of the familiars shrieked with her hair tugged back into a messy ponytail. I let my gaze flicker along those who nodded in agreement. They all quickly said hello to me, leaving me pale and shaky because holy fuck, that's a lot of people, and a few left. It wasn't all bad then.

"I'm Eren," A brunette male basically hissed at me and I furrowed my brows, showing that I gave no shit. Do I know him?

"This is Mikasa," Said Eren, and the Asian female offered a small greeting. Her lips stayed flat like my very existence was shit compared to Eren's. "and this is Armin." Eren finished as he gestured to a small blond boy. Armin smiled at me, a real smile, and I relaxed a little. He wouldn't hurt me.

That's when it clicked.

I've seen them before.

"I've seen you guys around school." I stared the infamous trio down, albeit slightly bitterly.

"I'm Reiner," The big scary buff guy said from the side, and I turned to face him, not to think about how he could snap me in half at any moment. He gestured his strong arm to the twig beside him. "This sweaty guy see is Bertholdt. You can call him Bert, though. The mean looking blonde is Annie." Reiner nodded to the blank faced girl beside him. She seemed extremely intimidating and I think I just curled inwards from fear.

I kinda felt bad for that Bert guy, though.

"Those losers aren't all that great with turtles like your freckled angle, Horsefsce. Just saying, I don't know how _you_ got him." Some cocky bitch that was tall as fuck, tan, and covered in freckles spoke up. I glared daggers at her, pissed the fuck off because I'm not a goddamn Horseface. Fuck her. How can a chick look so much like Marco but be fucking satan?

"I'm Christa!" The little blonde by the bitch's side chirped up and I glanced at her. "Don't mind Ymir, Jean, she doesn't know what she says." Her big azure eyes locked on mine and I couldn't help but calm down. She was beautiful, absolutely gorgeous, and her talking to me made me feel embarrassed. Unworthy, almost. Am I blushing? Jesus Christ.

"I sure as hell do, Historia." The bitch now known as Ymir hissed at the beauty with annoyance and I grumbled. Historia/Christa whined about being called that in public, but I lost interest and stopped paying attention.

"I'm Sasha!" The girl that owned the messy ponytail from earlier grinned her chocolate stained teeth at me and I gulped. She looked pretty..obnoxious. The bald guy by her side poked her and she just glared at him before taking a huge, angry bite of her cookie. I didn't want to know.

"I'm Connie, Sasha's tamer." The baldie spoke up with a cheesy smile on his face and I stared at the two of them, dumbfounded as Sasha hissed at the insult. They're a handful, huh? Aren't they the fuckers that saw Marco and I?

"U-Uh, hi. I'm Jean Kirschtein and I'm Marco's..boyfriend. Wow, okay, I've never introduced myself like that. Uh, yeah, I'm his boyfriend." Shit, I'm an idiot. I sheepishly rubbed the back of my neck and listened as a couple of Marco's friends laughed at _me,_  like fuck you guys too, and Marco kissed my temple. I tried not to burn up.

"Smart guy you got there, Marco." That bitch Ymir from earlier spoke up, much to the little blonde's disliking. Christa whined and Marco shrugged. Ymir and I were going to kill each other.

"Well! I'm gonna show Jean the animals. You guys can do whatever." Marco practically skipped towards this huge ass door and I glanced back at his friends, nervous, and saw them huddle up to talk. The fuck was with that? Marco opened the door and the smell of animals drowned my mind. Ow.

"Shut the door, Jean." Marco flashed me his cute ass fuck smile. "It isn't as important as the reptile door being open, but I don't want Sugar running out. She's a pain to catch." I watched as Marco turned to give some white ferret kissy faces and I shut the door with care as to not slam it.

That's when the stench really hit.

"It kinda smells in here a lot." I grunted, reaching up to cover my nose. Marco ignored me for a while, focusing more on the white body in the cage as he gingerly took ahold its squirming torso. That's fucking creepy. It's like a furry snake. What the fuck. Marco plopped down onto the cold pavement flooring and I reluctantly sat next to him after he patted his side. He set the furry snake in his lap. Fuck that.

"Yeah, it does smell, doesn't it? I'm used to it. Sorry about that, I mean, there are animals in here," Marco spoke regularly and I looked up to meet his eyes. They widened and he squeaked kind of hella cutely when that stupid furry snake probably stepped on him. "H-Hey, Sugar, Careful!" Little fucker was getting to third base before me. I laughed at Marco though, since he looked so horrified and adorable and small.

I then reached down nervously to touch the top of the furry snake's cranium and flinched when it flashed its extremely sharp, _ohmygoditcancutme_ , teeth.

"She doesn't bite, don't worry. The worst thing she's ever done was piss on some volunteer." Marco was smiling at me and I didn't notice that he put the fucking furry snake in my goddamn lap until it was moving around on me. What the fuck. I wiggled, uncomfortable because it has tiny little paws. No. Not cool.

"Marco!" I cried as the furry snake sniffed my covered thigh. "Take her off! What the fuck? It's like a dog! Get it off!" I kinda threw a temper tantrum but there was a fucking dog snake on my lap that has sharp teeth and is near my precious dick.

"Baby." Marco smiled and I had no idea if he was talking to me or satan in my lap, so I just groaned as he took it off of me. He took it back to the cage and I watched as his shoulder blades popped out in his shirt, decorating his broad back.

"C'mere, you little dork." I heard Marco's voice soften and when he turned to me, he was clutching another furry snake that was a dark coloration. It was calmer and just kinda hung there. I stood up, albeit anxiously, and walked over to him. He handed me the furry snake and I shivered.

I held it far from my body, not wanting it to touch me, and stared at it with horrified eyes. It's so warm. That isn't cool. I frantically looked at Marco for help because I felt like I was gonna drop it.

"Jean, animals feel safer against your chest. Don't hold her out like that." Marco explained why it was getting fussy as he came to my side. He pushed my thin arms to my chest so that the weird furry snake rested against my shirt, which calmed it immediately. I blinked owlishly, confused with it, felt how hot it was.

"She's really warm." I mumbled as I met her little beady eyes, wondering what life is like as a ferret. Marco stroked her long back and I was kinda smiling at how she's sorta cute.

That's when a loud ass noise that could be described as knocking echoed in the small room and I jumped a little. I was startled, okay?

"Guys, you can just come in." Marco yelled as he plucked the little ferret thing from my hands to put her away. He shut the large cage door and moved across the room, to a bigger cage, staring inside with a dopey expression of love.

The door loudly swung open and the annoying bastards came waddling in with a huge ass tortoise in Sasha's hands.

"We didn't want to walk in on you guys macking it again!" Sasha yelled obnoxiously and I scuffed, kinda irritated about that. A lot. Irritated a lot.

"We weren't expecting to be spied on, you know." I hissed out as I eyed the two of them. Marco's heavy hand came onto my shoulder and I glanced up at him.

"Sorry, but two guys making out hardcore in a parking lot is pretty easy to see. Anyway, it was Marco! We got all proud, like parents." Connie smirked at us and shrugged a little, as to say that it was hopeless, and Sasha nodded quickly with a big grin. She turned to Connie, careful of hitting him with that huge ass tortoise in her hands, and purred, " _Honey,_ he's grown up so fast. Already got himself a boyfriend." Connie squeaked at being called honey and shoved her out the back door, leaving us alone again. They're a thing? Probably. The back door slammed shut and I shook my head.

"They're crazy," I muttered as I stared wide eyed at the door that locked them away from us, "They're crazy and they trust them with animals? Why hasn't anyone died?" It was a genuine question.

Marco shrugged his wide shoulders and snorted before he flashed me a rare smirk, which made my skin get cold. I shuddered and Marco turned back to the cage from before to open the huge door. He reached in slowly and grabbed whatever was in there, and he turned to me with a goddamn opossum baby in his hands. Fucking zoos.

The little thing opened its maw and licked at Marco's hand, making him squeak. I laughed at him and he shifted it around in his hands. The thing saw me and flashed its skin shredding teeth at me and it was then that I realized that it could fucking kill me. I flinched away, horrified of its teeth, and looked at Marco.

"Jean," Marco made my name longer on his tongue with a smile on his face, "She isn't mean. C'mon, sit down again, I'll let her crawl on our legs."

How about fucking no.

"Marrrrcooo." I whined as I sat back down on the cold ground, glaring at the freckled devil. He set the opossum thing on our touching thighs and I squirmed.

She sniffed around our jeans and I wondered if she was trying to see if she should eat us. She decided not to after a while and just waddled around on Marco and I and I think I'm smiling? She's kinda cute. She was like a giant ball of heat.

"She's really warm for being such a small thing." I whispered as I poked at her side. She quickly waddled away from me, probably annoyed, and Marco chuckled. He picked her up and took her back to her cage.

I stood up and brushed myself off, not wanting to have animal hairs on me fuck that, and waited for Marco.

"Okay, well, there's a lot more in here but do you wanna go to the reptile room? It's about time to feed them all and it's pretty cool to watch." Marco spoke up and I nodded.

"Sure." I replied, figuring that crickets dying was fine, and walked out the door Marco held open for me. I didn't know where to go and I was about to turn around to ask when I felt a pair of warm lips press against the back of my neck.

_Holy shit._

_Holy shit, what the fuck._

"Marco!" I cried, spinning around to face him. My eyebrows were high on my forehead and I stared at him, dumbfounded. My cheeks felt like they were being burned off and Marco started to giggle. "You're literally a tomato! I'm dating a tomato!" He yelled gleefully, little fucker, and he cupped my cheek. I ignored the fact he had been touching animals all day and stared at him, pouting.

We didn't move and just breathed for what felt like forever before I wrapped my hands around Marco's waist and leaned forward, waiting for him to close the few inches of a gap I placed between us.

He did.

I probably shouldn't be kissing my boyfriend at his work because that could get him in trouble, but I didn't really care. I just breathed in roughly when Marco tilted his head to deepen the messy kiss.

I let my hands stroke his sides, trying to get under his polo, and I felt Marco's body shiver. After a few more moments, he finally dropped his hands from my face and stepped away, grinning at me.

"Shit, Marco.." I muttered as I stared at his lips to his eyes, over and over, because we just fucking did that in his work and so help me god it was great. Marco chuckled and my stomach felt lighter.

"I hate to be a party pooper, but we should probably wash our hands and get to the reptile room." Marco finally said as he heard the doors swinging open in the mammal room, signaling that the two bastards are back. Marco grabbed my wrist and dragged me to the sink and I eagerly began to scrub my hands clean as Connie and Sasha came storming into the midway room (is that was this is? There's just a kitchen here and a washer and dryer). Connie was carrying the tortoise and Sasha was eating beef jerky.

"Marco!" Sasha cried with beef jerky literally spraying out her mouth, "How does Jean handle the critters?"

I dried off my hands and stepped aside so Marco can scrub his clean. He turned to Sasha, fucking beaming, and I stared.

"He's actually making friends with a few! Much better than expected."

_Hah?_

"Freckles, you didn't think I'd do good?" I shoved my index digit into Marco's side, making him giggle (fuck) and squirm away from me. He dried his hands off and I heard Connie mutter something as they left, much to irritate Sasha. She cried about how young love was important and they shut the door to the reptile room behind them.

"Jean, you told me when we first met that you hated the zoo. Seriusly, did you think I would think you're Ghandi with animals?" Marco grinned as we left into the same room as the annoying bastards.

Everyone was in a corner and they quickly disbanded when they saw us come in. What the fuck?

"Uh, guys?" Marco questioned but that blond kid, uh, Armin, spoke up.

"It's about time to feed everyone." Armin said, earning nods of agreement amongst the rest of the red khaki crew. He turned to that brunette kid that gave me a nasty look when we introduced each other, and spoke to him (and the Asian chick by his side. Mikasa).

"Can you go get the rats and pink mice from the commissary? You love doing that." Armin's voice was soft as he requested them to do what he probably hated. They didn't question him and I wondered how manipulative he could actually be. That's scary as fuck.

Wait, did he say rats and pink mice?

"Fine." Eren grumbled as he left the took with Mikasa. I had no idea where they were doing. I turned to everyone else, mainly Marco, and gulped.

"Rats..? Pink mice? Aren't pink mice just infant mice? Why do you guys need those?" Don't fucking tell me they're gonna feed those to the animals. I stared at them like they were all bastards.

"To feed them to our animals, of course." Ymir flashed me a shit eating grin and Christa sighed. Connie leaned over to Sasha and muttered something to make her giggle, which kinda pissed me off.

"What?! You feed babies to you animals?! Marco, that sick." I turned to Marco, frowning at him. Marco furrowed his brows and shook his head slowly.

"They gotta eat, Jean.." He muttered, sounding desperate.

"They don't gotta eat baby mice!" I cried. That's just fucking _wrong_.

"Jean, don't worry, they're bred to be eaten anyway. Marco makes us give them a moment of silence before we let them get eaten." That buff guy, uh, Reiner, spoke up, using a rough tone. I sighed a little, defeated.

"A moment if silence..?" I mumbled. Was that enough for the life of a baby mouse? Marco nodded his head and I let out a long, irritated groan.

"Fine, I guess it's okay."

_Fuck me, man._

"Good boy!" Reiner clapped happily and that sweaty fella, Bert, scolded him.

Eren and Mikasa came back into the room, holding the rats and pink mice in their hands, and smiled at us. Eren did. Mikasa just stared.

"Ready?" She asked, and everyone was eager. It was kinda weird.

"Don't forget the moment of silence." I muttered as I stared at the little guys in their hands. No one asked questions, they just bowed their heads and a strong silence fell over the room. The only noise that could heard was the small scuffling of the hungry animals.

After a while, I rose my head back up and mumbled that they can do it. I felt a warm wrap around my body, familiar freckled arms around my stomach, and I leaned into the embrace.

"Jean, you can wait outside if you want." Marco whispered into my ear. I shuddered a little and turned to look at him.

"Marco, if I'm be with you, I gotta see all what your job does, right? Isn't this important to you?" I locked my gaze on his big amber eyes and he nodded. He let go of me and turned to Eren.

"Eren, pass me a pink mice? I wanna feed the turtles." I gaped at Marco, kinda shocked he was gonna do it, but I figured he always did.

The brunette passed him a couple bright pink squirming bodies and Marco leaned down to place one into a clear feeding dish.

It squirmed around, struggling to get away, but it was just a damn infant. It's eyes were shut and it's senses were shit. The turtle quickly moved forward, spotting it, and opened its mouth to clamp down on the mouse. I heard it shriek in terror and saw a huge drop of blood dribble down its tiny body.

Marco looked away. I just stared. I watched the entire thing. My eyes were wide and my skin felt cold as I saw the mouse's life flash away, it's screams ending. The turtle munched happily.

Poor fucking kid.

"That was..intense." I muttered to Marco and in the background, I heard more squealing. There was a lot. There was a lot of death in this tiny room. Connie and Sasha were laughing, who knows why the fuck they were, and I gulped. This was harsh. I felt like I was drowning.

Marco finished feeding the other turtles and the room fell quiet for a few moments with the only noises of the animals finishing up their meals. Blood was on their faces.

Marco wrapped his arms around my neck and tugged me close, letting my cold, shaky body press against his warmth. He rested his chin atop my head and I let my digits dig into his waist, probably enough to bruise him. I breathed in short quick bursts and waited for Marco's mixed scent to calm me down.

"It was quick. Don't worry, Jean, they felt no pain." I grunted. He was fucking lying and we both knew that but I didn't want to say it.

"Awww, you two!" Sasha squealed and I turned to look at everyone, finding them staring at us. I tensed, embarrassed. Marco tightened his hold.

"G-Guys.." He whined, glaring at them. They had huge ass grins and Ymir looked cocky.

"Freckles, can your Horse not handle some dead mice?" She questioned as her grin turned more wolfish. Fucking bitch.

"Ymir!" Christa yelled with a frown taking over her gorgeous features. She jabbed Ymir's side to get her to shut up.

Thanks, Angel.

"I'm not a horse." I hissed as I dropped my hold around Marco. Ymir moved forward quickly, like she was the predator, and snarled in my fucking face. "You aren't, huh? You're in fucking denial."

I was about to punch her in her fucking freckled face.

"Guys, calm down!" Christa and Marco suddenly yelled, albeit Marco's voice was demanding like his father's. I snapped to look at him, just like everyone else, and he frowned.

"Lets," He breathed in sharply, making his chest rise. "Not fight, guys. Please? Ymir, I get that you're playing around, but Jean takes literally everything seriously. Why else would he be an arrogant ass?" Marco stared at her desperately.

"Alright, Freckles, call down." Ymir grinned at him and he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Sorry, sorry." I just kept staring at Marco and he glanced at me. He didn't say anything. I really owe him, though. I was about to beat the shit out of that lanky bitch. That's not how you make friends with people, Jean.

"Oooooh," Reiner suddenly hummed as he stared at his phone's screen, "We're all about to get off shift soon. It's 5:30. We should all go out to dinner, yeah? Marco, can we hit up your bakery for some bread and stuff?"

"Sure, I mean, we got some speciality breads.. You guys are seriously okay with his coffee and bread?" I looked at Marco, blinking, wondering if they often ate at his bakery. Although, the things they make are pretty freaking good.. I could go for some.

"Anything your family bakes is good!" Sasha chirped with joy as drool trailed down her chin. Connie placed his hand heavily on her shoulder to stop her from going batshit nuts over the need for food. I have no idea how she does it.

"That okay with the rest of you?" Marco asked Ymir, Christa, Bert, Eren, Armin, Mikasa and Annie. They all nodded and most smiled, other than Annie and Mikasa. They're pretty stoney.

"Alright, lets get signed out. Jean, wait for us out front?" Marco finally turned to me, smiling that Bodt Smile, and I nodded numbly as I stared at it. I leaned in and kissed his forehead, imitating what he usually does, and smiled before I walked out to the opening to the front, which was pretty confusing to get to. I had to find my way out the volunteer area into the guest area and exit through the large buildings that opened to the gates. I walked out to the front and waited on a stone bench that was hidden in the nice, chill shade.

It took them a few minutes, but the whole gang came storming out the zoo like, well, wild animals. The second Marco spotted me on the bench, he brought out into a sprint. He was smiling as he grabbed my arm to pull me up. I was about to speak, but Marco just smiled and brushed his lips lightly against mine. I smiled and shivered despite the heat of the summer sun beating down on my skin that wasn't in the shade.

"Marco.." I muttered, almost whined, and Marco literally shushed me with his finger pressed to his lips. Cocky, beautiful asshole.

"Meet you all there?" Marco asked as he turned to the herd that was watching us like we were prey.

Everyone nodded and Sasha moaned loudly and the group began to leave to their cars.

Marco turned to me and furrowed his brows, probably wondering what to do with our cars like me, because I didn't want to lose the few moments of serious privacy with Marco that a car gives. Not like I had any plans. Hah.

"Jean, you staying over tonight?" Marco asked and my eyes went as wide as a bottle cap. Holy fuck, Marco, fucking shit, give a man a warning. I gulped and heard Ymir yell, but I was too busy focusing on Marco. What the hell kind of question was that?

"U-Uh, will your parents be okay with that?" I swear to god I didn't sound as nervous as oddly.

"I, uh, they don't know." Marco sheepishly answered and he brushed his nose (nervous tick, I think). I shakily smiled at him, wanting so damn badly to stay at his house, and nodded.

"O-Okay, I can. It's fine. Get in my car." I'm fucking alpha.

Marco didn't complain as we walked to my vibrant pink Bugatti, hand-in-hand, until we had to part when we got into the car.

After I buckled myself in, I glanced at Marco and did a quick double-take. What the fuck? He looks cheeky.

"Hah? You look like you're up to so--" Now, I was going to say "something", but Marco decided to cut me off. Instead of politely listening to me, Marco pushed himself forward and shoved his lips messily into mine. I was startled, wide eyed, but after a few moments of Marco being a persistent bastard, I calmed down. I leaned into the kiss and reached up to cup his freckled cheek despite the pain of my seat belt cutting into my side from the position. I stroked the side of his jaw with my thumb slowly, making him shiver and his skin prickle under my touch, and Marco deepened our lip's touching.

I don't know how long we went on like this until we both ripped back to suck in greedy gulps of air to shut our aching lungs up. Sometimes we forget to breathe? Shut up.

"Damn, Marco." I wolfishly smirked at Marco with pride and he just giggled a bit. I peppered his gorgeous freckled cheeks with kisses until I had to pull back and start driving, because hey, his friends are probably betting that we're having rough car sex or something.

"I love you." Marco said.

"I love you too." I replied.

My chest felt like there was no way my heartbeat will ever chill the fuck out.

I didn't mind.

We arrived pretty late, finding everyone already eating and Sasha eating a huge ass cake, holy shit how, and they literally cat called when we walked by.

Marco flushed and I laughed at his expense.

I looked at Lukas, nervous because he probably knew there was something up between his big bro and I, but before we said anything, I heard her.

Lore.

_Holy shit._

"Marrrrrccoooo!" She screeched as she threw her kid-sized apron aside. She threw herself at Marco and he caught her, embracing her close, whilst laughing. God, he's gorgeous with kids. I'm absolutely shit with them.

"Hi!" Marco chimed as he grinned down at her.

"Hey! I missed you! How was work?" Lore kinda reminded me of a wife talking to her husband when he just got home.

"Fun! Jean got to see our lil' guys." Lore quickly moved her gaze from her big brother to me, judging me, and I mouthed to Marco desperately, " _I don't like kids_ ". He looked utterly lost. Dammit.

"Jean? Your boyfriend!" Lore pointed at me and I froze up. Everyone was watching us, waiting for us to do something. Do we deny it or accept it? Does she even understand what it means?

I can't. Not yet. Not until we tell his parents.

"Hey there, princess." I bowed my head to Lore and her little eyes got wide with excitement. Don't fuck it up, Jean.

"Princess? I'm a princess?" Lore eagerly asked as I set her down. She ran up in front of him, beaming at him, and I saw Marco smiling.

"Of course!" I touched her sides and sent her my cheesiest grin. She squealed and ran back to the kitchen and I let out a long sigh.

"That was great, Jean." Marco praised me and I looked at him, exhausted.

"I don't know how to handle them." I admitted nervously and Marco smiled at me.

"She's real easy. Now, lets get food."

We ordered a simple meal: cookies and coffee. I had no complaints. Their food was freaking amazing, okay? Cookies are great. I feel like Sasha.

Marco and I said goodbye to Lukas and sat down with the rest of the herd.

"Your little sister was adorable." Sasha smiled with chocolate all over her chin. Connie tried to clean it off, but it was kinda stuck, like glue.

"She really is." Armin agreed and the rest of the nodded. Marco chuckled, fucking amazing, and pretended to whisper to them with his hand cupped around his lips so I wouldn't hear.

"Jean called her princess to get on her good side and it worked."

Reiner and Bert highfived me and I laughed.

By the time everything that was bought was eaten, we were all exhausted, laying back into the booth with our arms around our stomachs until Connie finally spoke up. "Wanna go to my place to have a party? It's been a couple weeks and school is soon!"

"But we're so full.." Eren and I whined and Marco smiled at us. He leaned over and rested his head on my sharp shoulder and I wondered how the hell that was comfortable.

"Just drink slowly! I got all the cheap beer we need. C'mon guys, don't be lame."

Connie was a persistent ass.

"Yeah, guys!" Sasha tagged along and if she can drink beer after eating a huge ass cake, than I can do. I might fight her later in who can drink more.

"Some bad beer sounds pretty good." Ymir nodded and Christa just smiled nervously. Are they a thing? They look like a thing.

"If Eren and Armin go, I'll go." Mikasa looked at her two kids. She was like their mom.

"Annie, Bert, and I will go." Reiner proudly swung his arms over his two dork's shoulders and grinned at a Connie.

I looked at Marco, now that it was our turn to speak.

"Jean, you wanna go?" Marco asked, careful of how he spoke because he probably thought I didn't. Hah. Free beer? Yes.

"Sure."

Marco smiled.

"Than its settled!" Connie cried happily. "We're having a party!"

I stared at the rose tucked behind Marco's ear. Time to get wasted.


	7. Blind Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M ALIVE, YES.
> 
> Things have gotten rough, so I'm sorry for the late updating!

Connie's living room smelled distinctively of old weed and probably aged vomit, but that wasn't going to stop me from taking the opportunity to drown my poor, poor liver in shitty beer. There were cans by my side, empty and discarded, from earlier in the evening. I've lost count on how many I've drank, but my senses are hazed too much to care. I didn't tell Marco that so I didn't sound weak as shit, and lied about it being too watery. A light buzz rang through my skull and I ignored Marco's chattering friends.

Bitchy lesbian Marco was squawking at some dumbass joke buff boy said, and their reserved partners cringed far too much for it to be normal. I tried not to laugh, and instead flashed Marco a small smile. He returned it, albeit more eager than me, and I gulped down more beer like it was my life fluids.

I don't remember when, but my not-beer-holding hand was clutching Marco's, lacing our sweaty fingers together like some disgustingly cute knot. Marco smiled that Bodt Smile and the butterflies that filled my stomach reminded me of the low throb in my head. I leaned against him, putting nearly all my weight on him.

"Awwwwww! Jean is a clingy drunk." Sasha clapped after she dropped an empty can by her feet, slurring her words more than me. I cringed, wondering how bad her hangover will be, and flinched when I saw a can being chucked at my fucking face--I caught it, barely.

"Thanks," I choked out, startled, "And fuck you, I'm not clingy!" I snarled the end for good measure and quickly popped open the can, eager to get the beer into me. I heard fucking Eren snort and cursed his very existence, that fucking cunt.

"Little motherfucker.."

Marco just smiled like the angel he is and I knew he was up to no good.

"Jean, you kinda are." Angelic piece of shit. "I like it, though." And this freckled asshole rubbed against my shoulder just to tease me and I felt my entire face catch on fire. I wonder if anyone considered calling the fire department. Lesbian Marco highfived him, laughing, and I sulked.

"Freckles, drink up. You haven't even taken a damn sip." Buff boy nodded to the can that Marco had forgotten and I saw the flash of disgust that painted across his gorgeous freckles, finding it amusing as shit. He was determined, though, and I watched as my innocent boyfriend gulped down the warm liquids.

"Oh, god," Marco whined, forcing the can far away from him. "It's like vomit." He pouted and I snickered at his pain. It was cute.

"Tastes fine!" Baldie screeched, probably offended or some shit over the bad beer and Marco's opinion on it. Connie pushed a can towards Marco, grinning like he was about to win something, and nodded his huge head to get Marco to open it. I almost felt bad for him. Connie was weird.

"Colder is always better." Monk chirped, cheerful, and Marco twitched as he reluctantly popped open the can. I watched as he hissed in disgust after he gulped down some of it.

Marco, why have you always been weak with alcohol?

Always.

This is the first time we've drank together, right..? But, why did I know about how he hates it?

Instincts, I told myself, boyfriend instincts.

"Marco, you're such a lame twat. Lets play a drinking game!" Snarky freckles cried, grinning like a fucking predator at Marco, targeting him. He desperately looked at me and I knew those fucking eyes and I didn't know why they made my stomach twist. I didn't want him to notice, though, and forced my lips into a limp smile. To add to the act, I pulled him close with my arm hooked around his waist.

I didn't want to worry him.

So, instead, I played along with fuckface lesbo that, somehow, I knew was always going to be a sassy bitch. The thought made me uncomfortable, again, and I drowned it.

"Marco rocks at drinking games!" I cried, slurring my words and feeling my tongue move like a heavy weight in my mouth.

There we go, pick on him. He won't notice. Good job, Jean.

"What?" He squeaked, wide eyed and mortified, which was something I could swear up and down I've seen before, "I've never played them!"

Continue on, Jean.

"Shh, you're great, Bodty, I can tell." I faked whispering to him, earning cackling from Eren. I made a mental note to kick his ass later, when my stomach felt normal and my head wasn't fuzzy.

"Fine," Marco muttered and everyone cheered, "We can play."

They all shared stares, silently wondering on what to play, until Potato Girl (?) spoke up.

"Totally should play spin the bottle first." She reached behind herself, grabbing what I assumed was one of the only bottled beers that were almost shittier than the canned beers. She threw it at Connie and the monk shit caught it quick enough to gulp it down within a few seconds. How the fuck could he not throw up? I wanted to, just watching. They're dumbasses. Always have been.

_What the fuck, Jean?_

Connie finished the bottle and smacked down the tower of cans he had built in the center of the carpet, laughing as he did so. He put the bottle in the open space and sat back, satisfied and probably drunker than hell.

I turned my head and saw Marco fucking chugging his beer, nervous as fuck, and I cringed. To be drinking like that, he was on edge. After a few seconds, he glumly stopped and stared down at what was left in the can, swishing it around until he looked up.

"Who's starting?" He asked, timid, and I sighed. You were.

"Bodt boy volunteered as tribute!" Reiner cried, making that mock gesture from that shitty dystopia movie with the kids being killed and killing. I've always wondered why it seemed so normal to me, like it wasn't really strange that they were doing that, but I figured it was just because of the lame actors or something.

The throb in my head grew and I twitched back to reality, nudging at Marco's arm to get him to spin the bottle. He obliged, albeit nervously, muttering under his breathe as he leaned forward and spun the fragile glass.

I stared at the lip of the bottle as it went in circles and breathed a sigh of relief when it landed on sweaty tower and not Eren or Ymir, because they're assholes that don't deserve to kiss my boyfriend. Fucking jerks.

Marco snapped his gaze up to mine, frantic for reinsurance, and I just shoved him forward.

"Reinerrr.." Marco whined, hoping he'd probably save him, but Reiner just smiled and Marco looked trampled on.

Bertholdt, the sweaty tall guy, wiggled into the center to meet Marco and the two of them just stared at each other, too horrified to make the first move. For some reason, I didn't mind any of this. It was a game. Bertholdt was always kinda nice guy, even when we found out the truth, whatever that was..

I thought they were about to chicken out when Marco had gone and done it, literally pecking Bert like a damn bird, and snapped back like a little kid caught doing wrong. They were both shell shocked, horrified of what they did, and a blushed up mess.

"U-Uh," Bert grumbled, staring at the far off wall or something, and the two of them twitched in their seats. Figuring that I needed to save my poor, poor boyfriend, I clapped my hand on his shoulder and yanked him into my arms; Reiner copying my actions.

I squeezed Marco and kissed the back of his neck and tried not to wonder why it felt strange to feel warmth under my lips.

The game continued, making Marco shiver, and up next was Mikasa, Eren's scary adopted sister.

The bottle landed on Blonde #2, Annie, and they kissed lamely until they pulled back, looking like red apples. There was some serious under shit there. The game went on to the next victims.

Connie spun the bottle, smiling wide and making a snide remark about getting a hot person, but landed on Reiner instead, much to his horror. I snickered at his pain, glad I wasn't in his position, and felt like I was going to vomit when Reiner seemed to fucking eat Connie's lips. Bert looked like he was a soaked rag, but he was also shaking with stifled laughter. Marco's chest bounced with a laugh and I grinned, slightly.

It went on, with Christa and Armin kissing, and Ymir and Sasha, which was pretty weird to see. Some were more eager than others. Marco drank his warm beer as if to handle it all, and then I realized it was my turn.

"Oh." I straightened my back, tense, and gingerly took Marco off my lap.

"Good luck." Marco smiled at me and I felt like disappearing. I barely knew any of these people, why the fuck would I kiss them? Somehow, I felt like I was wrong to think that. I know them.

 _Fuck_.

Just to please my freckled boyfriend, I spun the bottle and anxiously stared at the glass neck as it passed by all the decent people (Armin, Christa, and Marco). It began to dangerously get near the shittier people and by the time it stopped on _him._

Eren fucking Jaeger.

I sourly stared at him for a few moments.

"Fuck that!" I screamed, in unison with fuckface, and tried to get away and forfeit this dumbass game. I heard Marco giggling and felt him yank me by my wrist, pulling me down to the circle again. I pouted so fucking hard. Shitty boyfriend. Shitty Eren. Shitty everything.

"Kiss him, Jean." Marco purred, something I didn't think he'd ever say, and I sailorly cursed. He then shoved me forward and I grunted with displeasure.

It felt like forever.

Eren and I were staring at the walls behind each other, focusing on the tiniest detail to avoid it. I didn't want to see him, especially like this, because Eren was a suicidal bastard and I hated him. My head was thinking things I didn't even understand.

"Do it!" Ymir shrieked, piercing the awkward air, and shoved Eren at me like a fucking match maker. I chewed on my lip, twitching, and it happened: we brushed our lips against each other's for a literal millisecond and then we pulled back, gagging and choking. I felt like I could throw up.

I crawled back to my bastardly boyfriend, shaking, and he had the audacity to smile. Un-fucking-fair.

"It wasn't that bad, right?" Marco chirped like it was the best thing ever and I groaned, in living hell. I need to get the feel of Eren shitty Jaeger away. I grabbed the back of Marco's neck, being rough because _fuck him,_ and yanked him into a shitty kiss just to cleanse myself. I've kissed him like this before, sloppy and drunk, but again..this was our first time drinking together. The sinking feeling returned and I tried to drown it.

"Uck. Brush your teeth tonight." Marco chided, snapping me back to reality, and I shuddered whilst peppering his face in kisses, mainly on the left side.

Time passed and Marco was almost as drunk as me, reminding me of the low throbbing in my head that only grew by the minute. We were against each other, me lazily putting all my tiny weight on him, and we ignored his friends for a good while. It wasn't bad.

Until Sasha butted in.

"Marrrcoooo." She whined, extremely close to Marco, enough to make him flinch at her breath. I glared at her, annoyed by her bothersome ways.

Just wanted to fucking cuddle with him.

"What?" He grunted, looking at her with slanted eyes.

"We need to play Have I--"

I don't think I've seen Marco look that pale before. He was also frantic, roughly slamming Sasha aside so he can run.

"What the fuck, Marco?! Are you okay?!" I shrieked, scrambling to my feet so I could follow him as he staggered to the front door with his arms waving to get people away. The second the screen door was opened, forcing cold air onto our faces, Marco hurled off the side of the step railing, right into Connie's shitty lawn.

Holy fucking shit.

I approached him carefully, not wanting to startle him as he vomited his fucking guts out, and stroked his back.

"It's okay, baby." I whispered, trying to soothe him. He was sobbing from what I guessed was pain; stomach acid hurts.

"Fuck," he choked, coughing on the last chunks of whatever food he ate. I stared, concerned, and when he stood, I threw my arms around him.

He stunk of alcoholic failure and I squeezed him closer.

"I'm sorry.." Marco muttered into my shoulder and I shook my head, thinking of how small he looked.

"It's cool, Freckles. Shoulda known you couldn't hold it all in." I pulled my sleeve to cover my hand and reached up, gingerly patting up the stray puke off his lips. Marco just forced a weak smile and I hated it.

He looked so small.

"I'd kiss you right now." Whoa, whoa. That caught me off guard. Ew, I love you, Marco, but vomit kisses are a no. I twisted away from his squishy puckered lips, horrified.

"No! No, no man, no. Please, babe, no." I held my hands out in front of me like I was defending myself from a beast and Marco giggled. He somehow got over to kiss my cheek and I groaned in disgust.

That's when I noticed the forest Connie lived by, full of big ass trees. They made my stomach tingle, like I would throw up too.

"Lets get inside.."

I vaguely heard Marco's words, not focusing on them, but the towers.

"No, wait. Lets not." I wasn't sure if I spoke, but I figured Marco got the point. I kept staring at the trees, feeling those fucking odd things like earlier around everyone; I was drowning in something I didn't know. Everything inside of me was knotting in on itself.

Maybe I'm sick.

"Why are you looking at the forest like its better than me? Got a tree fetish?" Marco said jokingly, but I couldn't bring any laughter out of myself. I felt hollow. The trees were staring back, like they knew what was wrong with me, and I tensed up until Marco held my hand. I turned to look at him, shaking, and Marco blinked.

"Jean, hey, what's wrong..?" Marco, I don't know. He stroked my cheek with his thumb like he knew I loved and I selfish leaned into the touch, lapping it up like a desperate mutt.

It felt like I was in one of my nightmares.

Swallowing up my pride, I began to speak, not sure of the words that flowed past my lips. It was rambling, pathetic, and embarrassing.

"The forest looks familiar.. I mean, I've been noticing it all night, but there's this eerie feeling about your friends. I don't know what's up. I don't. I don't fucking know." I stopped, gasping and trying to not fucking lose it again. Marco pulled me closer. "I don't fucking know, Marco, but I feel sick around them, like that something had happened to them and you and fucking shit, Marco, fuck, why do I get so damn weird? What the fuck is with me?!" I was sobbing at this point. "This isn't fair. I just wanted to be friends with them. Why am I fucking weird, Marco? Why do I think they're dead?"

It's like a fucking dream of mine.

_Those ones._

"Jean.." Marco was trying his best and it wasn't working.

I didn't blame him.

I was a lot of work.

Ive always been a lot of work.

"Maybe I'm fucking wasted. That's it, right? I'm just goddamn drunk. Fuck me, Marco, I feel horrible. Like, we're not supposed to be here. You're not supposed to be working at a zoo, but..fuck. Burned? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. Help me."

I felt pretty damn sober.

Marco got me to sit down and I refused to let go of him, clinging like if I let go, he'd fall to pieces. I cried against him, dotting his shirt with water, and absolutely threw away whatever dignity I had.

That was trash now.

"I don't know what you're feeling, Jean, but you're not weird. It's okay. It's okay, Jean; I love you. I won't try to say that this is totally normal because it isn't, but that doesn't mean it isn't okay. Maybe you're just tired? Everyone else doesn't seem to notice what you do. I don't."

I'm the only fucking freak here.

I sobbed harder, shaking against Marco, and choked out my pathetic words.

"I'm so sorry, Marco. I'm so fucking sorry."

I wasn't sure which Marco I was talking to.

* * *

 

We woke up on the porch the next morning, cold as hell and clinging to each other. Connie came up with some bullshit rule that we had to clean up since we slept there, along with some other victims, if we wanted any pills and food.

So we did it.

And I felt like I was just a robot, not speaking and throwing away trash.

It didn't feel real.

It didn't feel right.

I don't think it ever will.

We didn't deserve this easy life.

Nothing is fair.


	8. Run Little Sheep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean is a prick that is trying his damnest to protect his loved one, but sometimes, he can't do it all.
> 
> And now, they're the most vulnerable they've ever been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not dead, score!  
> Hey.  
> I'm sorry for not updating and I suck ass. 
> 
> I'm actually struggling to write this fic because I want to start a new one, but it can wait. 
> 
> Here you go.
> 
> Jean is a pissbaby.
> 
> Sorry it's short. Again. Next chapter will be long, don't worry. This is just leading up to the event.

I've been avoiding Marco.

Before you grab your pitch forks and torches, hear me out.

I don't remember everything from the party at Connie's, but some things stuck pretty hard in me, and they aren't pretty. They're Marco's bent body retching violently into Connie's lawn and Eren's gross lips.

And also, me tripping the fuck out and losing my mind in front of my boyfriend over some shit I can't even describe completely without bursting into tears like a fucking twat.

Marco's friends were nice, all except for Eren and Ymir, but they just..rubbed me wrong, you know? Just being around them made this weird pain stick in my body and it only would get more harsh as time flew by.

So, my reason for not contacting my boyfriend is because I'm afraid. I'm absolutely fucking terrified of looking at Marco and not seeing him, but someone else, like I see his friends. I don't want to look at my freckled dweeb and think that, for fuck's sake, he shouldn't be _alive._

I guess you can say I'm losing it.

And it's a slow process, spanning across several days (I've stopped counting) of me not hearing his voice, of me pretentiously staring at my stark white ceiling and the wooden fan that spun around effortlessly on it, because those dust encrusted blades probably had a better mindset than me, and of me just barely breathing.

My chest rose and fell, but I didn't feel it unless I forced in painful amounts of air into my lungs, flooding them far too much to handle. I never said it was a pretty process.

I know what you're thinking: Welcome to Jean's pity party! Yeah, well you'd be fucked up too if you didn't think you were supposed to be living the way you were. Fuck off.

In a way, I'm also doing this to protect Marco. He doesn't deserve to see me constantly upset, because if it isn't the nightmares, it's my daydreams. I don't want him to go through more than he already does. He has work and a family. I can't always be selfish.

I haven't slept for more than an hour each night. I'm lucky if I actually get a full one. I'm running on barely any fuel, and I haven't eaten more than half a bowl of cereal in..who knows how long.

Every time I try to eat, I get this jagged stab in my stomach and I stop. My mind tells me that I don't deserve this, I don't deserve this bowl of dry flakes and milk because they're not okay; whatever the fuck that means.

Put me in chains and take me to the nut house already.

I was in midst of swallowing air when I heard the clarion cry of my mother calling for me from one of our floors, to get out of my bedroom or something of the sort.

So, as an average teenager would, I turned in my bed and covered my ears with my pillow. She cried again, like a ghastly banshee, only that this time she was closer.

"Jean Kirschtein!" God, my head hurts. Can you not, mom? "Get out of your room! You haven't eaten at all! You can't waste away in there."

I could damn well try.

She went silent for what felt like forever, but probably was only a few seconds.

"Jean.. Please come out. I'm worried about you." I heard her back sliding against the front of my bedroom door. "Your father is coming home for dinner.."

Wait, no.

I stopped listening then.

And thinking.

Dad is coming home for dinner.

Dad hasn't been around in a shit long time because of business.

Dad has been keeping away from my mom and I by taking all opportunities presented for a long fucking time.

Dad probably doesn't love my mom anymore, but my mom loves his money. So she stays, and puts us through this.

"Please," her voice sounded so damn fragile, fuck, it scares me, stop talking, "Jean, just try. For me."

She needs me more than I need my gross bed.

Jean, get the fuck out of your room.

Crawling out of my bedroom wasn't pretty, it wasn't beautiful and inspirational, it was me tripping over my mom and spewing out curses and her tumbling back.

"Shit, fuck, sorry, fuck," I staggered to the wall and looked helplessly at the pile of mom I left in my wake. She sat up, twitchy, and gave me a pathetic smile.

"W-Watch where you're going, Jean."

And that was that.

She pulled herself together, stood up, and walked down my staircase, leaving me alone in front of my bathroom. She was satisfied, I fucking knew, because I'm out of my room. God dammit.

I glanced into my bathroom and mainly at my shower, debating if I should even bother with it, but decided against it. I didn't want to wash away my time alone. I wanted it to stew on my skin, reminding me that I could return at any moment. It was a lingering invitation to my sauntuary of unwashed blankets and dust covered fan blades.

You probably think that's gross, but hey, you can't smell me anyway.

I wonder how I look right now, with my pajamas hanging off my twiggy frame and my hair a probable disaster. Thank god for my beanie. Not like anyone will see me.

Focus, Jean. You're out of your bedroom, your father might show his satin tie wearing ass for dinner, and you still haven't spoken to your boyfriend. You should start off your routine as usual:

Go downstairs, get cereal, ignore your mom, waste away on the couch, and (maybe) shower before your dad walks in the door. I'm not holding out on that one.

I followed the list. My hands shook when I poured milk onto the stale flakes in the porcelain bowl I picked from the cabinet full. I managed to force down a few spoonfuls, but when the milk warmed and the flakes became soggy, I gave up trying.

They sat in the stainless metal sink, waiting to be cleaned. I wasn't going to bother with it. Someone else could. Small rebels for big battles.

Couch time. I padded into the living room and plopped down onto the white couch my mom spent a couple thousand on, using the arm rest as an uncomfortable pillow. My beanie only offered minimal cushion to the rough angle. My neck ached from the position, but I didn't listen to it's whine.

I just laid there, like I was on the last piece of wood from a ship wreak, like it held my life together despite its horrible fabric that made my few patches of exposed skin feel clammy.

This was, basically, just like me on my bed, but in an area that brought venerability, since my mom or my dad could walk in at any moment. My chest was heavy with anxiety, tainting me and stopping me from being fully relaxed.

I closed my eyes and tried to empty my thoughts, but I kept thinking of Marco.

What he's doing, what he's thinking, if he misses me, etc. 

And then I heard the familiar hum of a particular truck pulling into my driveway.

Everything crashed.

Fuck me.

I flung myself up and off the couch, practically sprinting towards the front windows because _what the fuck was Marco doing here,_  mom is home and dad will be later, he can't fucking be here.

I watched him jump out of his truck, looking extremely nervous but determined with his chin so damn high up like he had some sort of authority being here, at my home, in the middle of the day.

Shit, fuck, I haven't showered at all today, fucking hell.

He walked up to the door, looking horrified by the fact it was crystal and scared of breaking it. He barely tapped it with his fist, waiting for it to fall apart by his touch, and I quickly grabbed the golden handle to yank it open.

"Marco," fucking feeble and antsy, "Why are you here?"

I knew why, of course. But a guy can ask.

I watched his big brown eyes soak up the disaster of his boyfriend and I winced from the worry he was emanating.

"I was..wondering if you were okay. You haven't, I mean we haven't, spoken in a long time." He seemed smaller.

Shit. I did this.

"Sweetheart.." I choked out the word, trying to get it unheard by my mom that could be anywhere in the house, absofuckinglutely scared of her knowing.

And I heard her squawk about me needing to shower, because dad would be home soon, and I needed to get on a fucking suit to greet him. Formalities, like I was meeting some big wig, tight assed wanker.

But no, it was a suit to just sit down and eat dinner with my dad.

My family, everyone.

I pushed Marco aside with a brief shove on his chest and staggered out the house, being sure that the door shut quietly behind me. I grabbed Marco's shoulders, digging my fingers into the flesh without realization that hey, the pressure is probably too much.

Marco cringed but still looked determined.

"What's wrong?"

Breathe in, breathe out, repeat.

"Mom's home and Dad might come by--it isn't safe for you here." I panicked, fucking panicked as I tried to tell my boyfriend to get out of here, and looked around for my neighbors. They're probably watching. Gossip, you assholes, but if I find out, I'll kill you.

"Why is that bad?"

Why?

They'll find your name and ruin your family if they knew you "turned me" gay.

"They don't..they'll ruin you."

And that was the end of him and I, because my mom's heels clicked behind the door and raucous voice.

"Honestly," the glass door behind me swung open, "You couldn't even--"

Oh, probably the cereal and not showering.

She looked past my shoulder and saw Marco and fuck me, her eyes got so damn wide like a lion about to kill an antelope. Fuck me, man. Never any peace. Marco looked as stiff as I felt.

"Who's this, Jean?" She crooned, leaning close enough that her expensive perfume would burn my nose.

And I couldn't tell her the truth.

Looking at Marco, desperate and so fucking scared, I mouthed him: "sorry".

I don't know if he saw.

"M-My..friend, mom."

I'm disgusting and you deserve better, but I'm doing this to protect you.

I didn't look at him when I said it; I couldn't see him snap in two.

Mom, of course interested, placed her dainty hands on Marco's face and sopped up his features. She babbled about his looks, stabbing him with compliments, and Marco mumbled thanks to every one.

And then he put on the show, smile and all.

"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Kirschtein! Jean is a close friend of mine. I'm Marco Bodt." His voice was so fucking fake and sick and it's my fault.

I mouthed him an apology again and that I loved him. Marco looked at me, and god dammit, he understood.

"Bodt? That sounds familiar. You must come in!" My mom then shoved me aside and forcefully dragged Marco into our home by his wrist. She then turned to me, pointed to my staircase, and told me to shower so I wouldn't look so underdressed in front of a friend.

They'll be alone.

Fuck, what are they going to talk about?

I tried my damnest to linger long enough to figure out their situation, and by what I've gathered, my mom is making Marco coffee.

I'm sorry.

I got my douchey dress shirt and trousers and took the coldest shower humanly possible, letting the cold water bullets pelt my sore skin as punishment for doing this to Marco, because he doesn't deserve to be a lie, he doesn't deserve this, he deserves to be kissed in public and held and touched and not fucking this. He needed someone else. Someone better. 

I don't know how long I was in there.

I wish I drowned.

I turned off the water, dressed, and threw on my red beanie. He'll have to put up with that. I'm his damn kid, after all.

The soft him of the bathroom fan died out as I flicked off the switch, inviting silence to flood into the room. And it did, up until I heard the front door open with a distinctive chime of a key ring full of bullshit important keys.

I'm barely breathing. 

My body hurts.

Marco, I'm sorry.

He's here.

Get out now, god please, go home.

Run away.

Leave my life before you get too sucked in.

He's a demon. He's gone and when he comes home, he erupts and tries to suck away every happy mood you have nestled within you.

"Honey," he sounds like a fucking beast, like he was about to attack us with excuses and lies, "I'm home."

It's all a fucking joke, you know.

Time for the second act.


	9. Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean stands up for himself and kicks ass, figuratively.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WANT TO MAKE HARRY POTTER REFERENCES FOREVER

It doesn't get easier.

I wish I could pretend with you and act like that living this way was a walk in the park, but god dammit, a fake life isn't worth living.

Anyway, the park is on fire.

And the fire department is deserted, for some ungodly reason.

My head stung and my limbs moved on their own accord, guiding me down my flight of stairs and into the pit of hell, where my mother was introducing my (boy)friend to my father. Marco didn't look entirely comfortable, but he had the signature Bodt grin on his face as he shook my father’s disgustingly clammy hands. My mom grabbed their shoulders and pointed to my direction, where I stood on the second part of the staircase. I flinched, and quickly finished going down.

My father twisted his upper lip at the red cap sitting upon my cranium, and I told him to eat shit (in my head).  
“Jean,” He grunted, nodding his head at me like I was a simple coworker and not his own son, “You never mentioned you were having a guest home.” He glanced at Marco, then back at me, like we were hiding the international drug ring in the basement or something. I almost laughed at that, but I remembered that my father wasn't too fond of me being happy. 

And then it came crashing down, that one blissful moment in my head, because when he’s around, nothing is right.

“I don’t recall you ever having authority over who comes over and when, since you’re never around.” I sneered, hoping I looked like a damn beast. This is what you created, dad. You broke the mug I gave you when I was a kid, the one that said ‘#1 Dad!’. You absolutely shattered it and threw it into the rubbish bin, where you shouldn't been. 

“Jean..” Marco and my mother spoke at the same time, both reaching to me, and I merely turned my backs to them, because I wasn't fucking having this. Call this a bitch fit, but my dad’s first words to me where the stupidest shit I've heard in weeks, and I've been around Connie. Marco grabbed my shoulder for support and, god dammit, he doesn't deserve to see my dysfunctional family.

The air tasted stale and no one made a damn noise, until my mother looked like she was going to die from the sheer tension. 

“I cooked pasta!” She chirped, far too happily. She smiled at Marco and he warily returned the expression. “I know you love pasta, Jean, now come, set the table. We have an extra mat for Marco, dear. He can sit beside you, seeing that he’s your guest.” She ushered us into the dining area as my dad grumbled and removed his coat. I wondered if he took pleasure in this, in coming to the house where his wife and son seek haven in the shit storm he calls his morals. He sat his fat ass at the head of the table and, with the help of Marco, I set the table.

My mom carried the large glass bowl of basic pasta over and placed it in the center of where we all were; my mom was at my father’s left and I was at his right. Marco sat beside me, smiling at me in that way where I fucking knew he felt bad for trespassing, and I could only touch his knee briefly to reassure him.

He’s the only thing keeping me from going for my father’s throat with a knife.

“Marco,” the man of the hour grunted, “May you lead us in grace?”

“Certainly, Mr. Kirschtein!” Marco straightened his spine, looking like the perfect house guest that my father was expecting. I nearly choked on my spit, because he looked so damn eager and stiff at the same time and this wasn't the way I was expecting to think that. Marco bowed his head and clutched his hands together, knitting his bony digits like lace.

“Thank you, God, for providing us this meal, and thank you, Jean’s parents, for welcoming me into your home.” He lifted his head, looking like a dolt that was afraid of major disappointment. Neither of my parents seemed to disapprove of his grace, and he let out a puff of air. My mother stood up to serve us the pasta, using the metal tongs to tame the noodles into submission. She piled our plates high, with Marco’s the size of Mount Everest and my father’s K2. Hers and mine, however, where very small in comparison, like Annapuma I.

I pay attention in class, thank you.

“Well,” my mother set down the heavy bowl and took her seat nosily, with the chair scrapping against the hardwood flooring that was spread throughout the house, “Dig in!”  
And so we did, awkwardly, with our silverware clanking against our glass plates. Marco looked like he was going to explode from fear, while I suspect I looked like I was going to burst with anger from it boiling within. My father took a sip of whatever expensive wine my mom had laying around and peered over at me.

“Jean, have you gotten ready for school yet? Certainly you won’t let your grades fall again. I can’t have a son that holds a steady D in all but one class, which had a C. It’s embarrassing, you know.” Satan himself spoke gruffly, setting his fork down. He clasped his hands together, staring at me over his knuckles.

“Like you have a damn word in any of that!” I yelled, standing up from my seat. The chair fell back with the sudden movement, and Marco grabbed my arm. I yanked it from him. “Marco, please. This fucker thinks he has a damn right to treat me like his kid! I can’t stand him, Marco. I fucking can’t. I've had enough.” I stormed out the room like a child and Marco stayed behind closely, sliding his hand down to hold mine. I didn't pull away.

“Jean Kirschtein, you have no right using that kind of language or that disrespect! I’m your father.” He screamed, slamming down his wine glass, I suspect.  
Marco and I walked out the front door, with me ripping off my tie and throwing it into the pitiful garden. I didn't stop walking, instead I just kept following the sidewalk to the shitty park that was near my house. Marco squeezed my hand twice, to get my attention, and I looked up at him. 

“Jean, I’m proud of you, you know..” He murmured, bringing our hands to his lips. He pecked them to soothe me, and I felt a chill run freely along my body. “You stood up to him. You told him how you felt, albeit rudely, and were god damn brave. And to be frank, you’re pretty hot when you’re being an ass.” The curses slipped past his lips comfortably and I grinned slightly, or I thought I did. For all I know, my lips could be gruesomely twitching into some twisted form of a smile.

And I had no words.

I know what you’re thinking, that this was a cheesy and gross teen novel thing, but you know, after you basically tell your dad to eat shit and your boyfriend tells you that you looked kinda freaking badass doing it, you have nothing to say back. No cocky response, only cocky actions.

So, in broad daylight, I grabbed my freckled dork’s cheeks, and pulled him into a forceful kiss. It was quick, and I staggered back, smirking. Marco, astonished by my second act of bravery, giggled, and kissed my temple.

“Jean Kirschtein,” He breathed, “You never cease to surprise me.” 

I chuckled at that, holding my suit adorned torso.

I took note to burn it later, the suit I mean.

“Next, I’ll tell you about how I’m going to join the FBI or something. Just you wait. I’m a cool boyfriend. You know!” I nudged his waist, making him double over in laughter, because this freckled shit thought that I wouldn't do that well as an agent for the government. I’ll show him. 

We sat down on the creaking swing set and kept our hands together, refusing to let go for even just a second.

Time sped past.

The sun started setting and my stomach started turning.

“I don’t want to go back there, Marco.” I murmured, scratching the backside of my neck anxiously. 

“You don’t have to.” Marco smiled that signature smile and I sighed.

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean,” Marco rubbed the top of my hand with his thumb, “That, for a while, you can stay at my place, until school starts. My family loves you, Jean. Having you around would be an absolute blessing to them, and to me, because my siblings are a bunch.” 

I swallowed thickly and scratched my throat with my free hand.

“I won’t be imposing?” Please, tell me I won’t.

“Not at all.” He looked like an angel. I've said that before, right?

And I didn't hold back.

I stood up from my seat and flung myself at him, getting caught in his strong arms. I laughed and kissed his cheek, because holy shit I have safety, and he rubbed my back.  
“When can we go?” I asked, resting my forehead against his.

“As soon as possible,” He replied, nuzzling against me for a moment, “My truck is back at the house.”

“What are we waiting for?” I staggered to my feet, grinning like a cat. “Let’s go, Freckles! Oh, one moment,” I ripped off my dress jacket and threw it into the wood chips. “Now we can go.”

Marco shrugged and we ran back home, straight into his dirty ride. I buckled myself in and he put the keys in, turning on the beast. He quickly drove away from the shit shack that was my dwellings and I cackled with joy. 

“I love you, Marco.” I turned to face him, smiling sincerely. He just puffed out his dotted cheeks, because the nerd knew. 

We drove until we spotted his house, and then we parked.

Marco escorted me to the front door, where he draped his arm over my shoulder like I was a trophy. Lukas opened the door and cocked a dark brow at the two of us, but Marco just ushered me in. 

“Welcome home, Jean.” Chanted the Bodt clan, in a completely none creepy way like a horror movie, but like the Weasleys welcoming Harry into their home.

I've never felt so safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll update Marco's next, don't worry.


End file.
